The Final Countdown

Well, all is as I expected it would be this break. Christmas has been great, and I have enjoyed spending time with my family but I still am missing way more than I am enjoying. I find myself thinking about others all day and how much I would rather be spending time with them, even it it was doing homework. The simple fact is, I was hoping to get away from some of the drama of school by coming home and relaxing over break, but that was not to be as my own family drama far outweighs that of the school. I just feel trapped by my life right now, and all the problems that are popping up in it are driving me up a wall. I long for the good old days of no worries except for what game I was going to play at recess. One more semester to go and I am out of here for good. One semester of fun and homework and friends and then I am in the real world. The world of a job, and house payments, and getting a car, and feeding myself. The world of responsibility is something that I don't quite feel ready for yet. I have also come to the realization that this will be my last trip home in God only knows how long. After this I have a few breaks, but all of them I am planning on spending elsewhere. After graduation I plan on going wherever I can find work, so this may be my last chance to be home with my family in a long time. Wouldn't it be great if that last time was full of great memories and no family drama?

I feel as though I must again say, that I am homesick here at home. I long to be at my real home, where the people I love are. I miss one person a lot more than everyone else, and every day I am without her makes my heart hurt a little more. I cannot wait until I get to see her again and think about it all the time. I just hope she knows how important she is to me and how much I love her.

Always waiting for something better

As I finished my last day in Spokane before break, I have begun thinking about what exactly it is that I am going home to. Yes, my family is home... that's pretty much it for me. I love my family so much, each and every one of them. I feel as though there should be something else waiting for me at home. Leaving school is a sad day for me, as I leave my job, my friends, the people I love and care about, my comfort, and even my independence. Something about going home and being treated like a little kid just doesn't sound appealing to me. I enjoy the freedom of being my own adult person at school, and I don't want to leave that for break.  I am afraid that this break will be yet another one of sitting at my computer typing about what I wish I was doing, as I only really have 1 or 2 friends back home and I can't expect to hang out with them all the time. Its an interesting thing how school works.... I spend all year looking forward to breaks, and all breaks looking forward to going back. It would seem that I am never satisfied. I am going to make sure I enjoy my last semester at University, but I am really scared about what will come after. Where will I get a job? Will I get a Job? Where will I live? With whom? How the hell am I going to pay off all my debt? Will I stay in contact with the great people I met here, and will they do the same? So many questions to answer.  I suppose I am just scared of the changes that graduating will bring. All I can say is that I hope my friends and family will be there with me every step of the way, because in the end, they are all I have got.

Its Funny What A Little Time Can Do...

It has been a long time since I have been home, and it seems like just yesterday that I was bored out of my mind there and ready to run off to Spokane and be free! The truth is, it has really been about 5 months, and I am starting to miss things. Yes, I am always bored when I am home, but something about being bored and being able to relax (or maybe its just the lack of stress) just sounds really good right about now. I will be going home for Thanksgiving Break this year, and am really looking forward to it. I am excited to see and spend time with my family and my little kitties. We have so many traditions to take part in, like hanging up Christmas lights on Thanksgiving weekend with my Dad, making cookies and baked goods with my Mom, or fooling around with my Brother. Just the thought of a home cooked meal is driving me crazy right now. Along with the joy of seeing my family again, comes the joy of showing my home to someone else I care about greatly. My amazing girlfriend (that's putting it lightly) is coming home with me, and I am stoked to show her my home town, and the place where I grew up and became the man I am today. I will be carpooling over with a friend, and am looking forward to spending some time with them on the car ride over and back. 

Part of the reason why I am looking forward to this break so much is because of how stressful this year has been already. I am taking some of my most intense classes this semester, and on top of that I am in our schools Improv Team and had my senior project to do (which I finished today). I guess at this point my body just wants a chance to not stress out, be home, live in the familiar, and SLEEEEP. I have not slept in in a long time, and I think it is starting to show. 

Everything is A Okay!

So, i know it has been a long time since I have blogged.... I have been very busy with school, theatre, work, friends, and the most amazing girl I have ever met. To make this as brief as possible, I am doing fantastic. Anything that could possibly bug me is far out-shadowed by the good times I am having with the people I love. Senior year so far... Best Year Ever! 

The greatest thing You'll ever learn....

One of my biggest fears in the world is the fear of not being loved by the people I care about the most. Over the past few weeks, I this fear has been pretty much wiped off my mind because of some very amazing people. Something about knowing that someone else care about you... likes you just the way you are.... and wants to spend their time with you just makes my life feel so much better. I am currently on an emotional high, and I am planning on staying here for a long time. I can be a very loving person, and the people that I love I would do ANYTHING for. Absolutely anything. Usually this makes me feel uneasy and vulnerable, but now it feels warranted. I have been praying a lot lately about where my life is supposed to go, what I want, and what is meant for me. It would seem that all of them point in the same direction, and my life has aligned and everything feels right. It is a great feeling. To my best friends, family, and my special someone.... I love you! Thank you for being in my life, and I appreciate you for who you are. 

"The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn, is Just to Love and Be Loved in Return" 

What is it about her

I have recently been reminded of the senior project I worked on a few years ago. It is one of the best experiences in my technical career thus far, and a certain song comes to mind. This song somehow touches me very deeply, and here are some of the lyrics. The song is called What is it about her.


This woman makes me cry
This woman makes me burn
This woman's eye can cut me to the core
This woman builds me up
This woman tears me down
This woman speaks and I can break apart
Could I live without her
And let her go?
How loud must I scream
No!

Don't talk to me like I'm stupid

I spend my days doing homework, going to class, building sets, going to rehearsals, and keeping the theatre in good and working order. The last thing I want to hear every day is that someone thinks I am stupid. Five times today, by 5 separate people, I have been called stupid. I know I am not the smartest person in any subject, but I am not stupid. The fact that people think they can just call me an idiot to my face makes me so angry. I am a pretty non-confrontational person, so for the most part I just take it and try to forget about it. I suppose this blog post is my way of dealing with my frustration at how I fell about it. I would just like people to appreciate the work I do, and how hard I try to make everyone happy and successful. I know I am in the wrong career if approval is something I crave, because as a technician I will never be appreciated. All people will tell me is when I have done something wrong, and what they want me to do to fix it. I don't have a problem with that, but there is a difference between being unappreciated and being insulted. I am going to try to be in a better mood for the rest of the night, and forget about all of this by tomorrow. I guess being stressed with all the crazy thing in my life, and then being insulted repeatedly throughout the day just doesn't have a good effect on me.

Let it out

Did you ever have one of those moments when you were just screaming in your head? Your thoughts were just bursting to come out, but you knew you couldn't say anything about them? Yea... all day today like that. All day.

No I don't Have Any Free Time!

So, my senior year at College is underway and everything is going great. I am, as I always seem to be, super busy! Sometimes I wish I wasn't so busy, but then I realize that I like being busy. I need it. I could have free time, but I choose to fill my life with the things I love. Right now, that means theatre, theatre, theatre, some special people, like best friends and such, and then some more theatre. I like being busy. I really do enjoy getting home at 2 every morning and waking up for class at 8. This year, my senior year, I get to do everything I want! What could be better than that, and what better way to spend my senior year than full of the things I love?

Say What You Need To Say

I don't know what it is about people and not being honest... I think that way too many people just try to get around saying what they really mean. Why do we need to gossip about people behind their backs? If you don't like someone, keep it to your self! There is no reason to go around telling everyone else why you don't like them. As a matter of fact, the opposite is true too. I guess I am just tired of all the drama. People spreading rumors, people telling lies and secrets.... it can get so infuriating! As per usual, I do it too, but I am beginning to see how annoying it all can be. Even with friends, it can be so hard. "What do you wanna do?" This question seems to plague my existence. Everyone wants to do something, why do people feel the need to not say what they want. Life would be so much easier if everyone would just be truthful about what they wanted. I am tired of all the games, trying to guess what people want, picking up clues here and there, or needing to ask other people. Do me a favor people, and figure out what you want. After that, tell the people who need or want to know. I guarantee you they want something too, and if you would just ask, I bet they would tell you.

A Land of Confusion

I dont know how to describe how I am feeling except for confused. Every part of my body seems to be telling me something different. My head is confused, by soul is confused, and my heart is also confused. I feel sick... I keep trying to forget about everything and just be calm for a second but every time I try I fail. My heart wont slow down. I am so stressed and I want to sleep but cant. When I do, bad dreams plague my mind, and most of the time I just lay there, thinking and racing, confused. Some old feelings and thoughts about things long forgotten were unearthed yesterday. It felt good to get them off my chest, but I had them buried for so long that I seem to be dealing with them now. To the 4 people who read this, I need a hug.

Cupid Has Done It Again

There are often events in life which we think will be amazing, and turn out to be not so great. People tend to expect too much and then get a rude awakening when they experience the real thing. On a rare occasion, the opposite happens. I have spent all summer waiting in anticipation of the arrival of one person in my back into my life. I have waited so long that I built it up in my mind to be such a tremendous and amazing event. It turned out to be even better. The feelings I felt tonight have given my soul wings and I am flying. While the events which occurred tonight with this person were seemingly boring, just being with them was more than enough. As I sit here in my room, my heart is still pounding and I am still trying to catch my breath. I cannot help but to look forward to the upcoming year and the good times it will bring. I am confident that things will only get better from here.

Your Heaven is Trying Everything to Keep Me Down

Did you ever feel as thought the whole universe was conspiring against you? I am having one of those weeks. Unfortunately the thing it is about is something I am not will to put on a blog, but I will say that its fucking aggravating! Every time the universe tells me I can't do something I say "Fuck off universe! This is my life, and I do what I want" and then I fight it. I am determined to have my life go the way I intend it to. There is however a small problem. There is a small part of me that thinks that "the universe" is God trying to tell me what he wants, or doesn't want for my life. I really don't want to fight God, cause he will win for sure. I am struggling to find the difference between fighting for what I want, and where my life seems to want to go. For the time being, I am resolved to pray about it and continue fighting for myself and what I want.

Kick Start My Heart

I spent this weekend being awesome... as I went to a Motley Crue concert! It was amazing! I have a few stories from the concert which I would like to share with you. Lets do a little background information first though. One of my best friends came over for the concert, and he and our friend road tripped over to Tacoma on Friday night. I drove about half of the way, and the ride was a bit boring, but not bad. We got there, and played frisbee for a little at a local park. There appeared to be a birthday party for a little boy set up by EVERY Samoan in the area. I witnessed these Samoans selling cigarettes to under age students from the local high school or junior high. These students all had a very unique look going on. No shirt, baggy pants, boxers showing, backwards hat, not posture, and a foul mouth. Kids these days...

We then proceeded to the concert The opening band was not so great in my opinion. Not much to say about them. The next band to play was Poison. They were really good, and I enjoyed singing along to many of the songs and the effects were so cool! During the parts of the concert where the bands were changing on stage, they had a projector screen which showed texts people had sent in to the concert. We got a message on it that said "Reid and his 2 friends love Motley Crue" which was cool to see. There was also this girl named Desire who kept texting over the screen about how much she would do... sexual things to members of the band. She texted them so much that other people in the audience started to text things like "I am Desire and I am a whore". lol That was funny.She also kept asking Tommy Lee to take her on his Drum roller Coaster. When the time came for him to make a choice, he picked a really old looking man with a beard named Bob. That was probably the happiest moment of his life, as he went on stage with Tommy Lee and rode on the drum set with him.

Motley Crue was fantastic! They had so much bang and cool effects, loud noises, and better music (in my opinion). One of the songs they played, called "Girls Girls Girls" had pictures of women on the back screen the entire time. At one point, one of the pictures on the screen was Justin Bieber.... ROFL. There were crazy people all over the place, and the people were almost as much fun to watch as the concert itself.After the concert I went to sleep in a tent outside my friends house, and drove back this morning to Spokane. My good friend is now gone until the school year (he will be one of my roommates) and I am sad to see him leave.

On a brighter note, I have now contracted concert fever, and am looking at many different shows in my area to go to cause that was so much fun. Im thinking Uproar will be good this year.. Hrmmm, metal concert? Yes Please!

Lay Your Head On My Pillow

Dreams are a weird thing. Dreams are often so real that we don't realize we are dreaming until we wake up. Some dreams are good, and some are bad. Some people can control their dreams, and are self aware during dreams, and others are not. Most of my life I have wished that I was able to be in control of my dreams while they were happening. When I dream, I feel very much not in control of my "life" (or dream as it were). When I was younger, I had a reoccurring nightmare about the bad guy from the movie "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang". You know... the guy with the really long nose? Yup, that one. I used to dream that he was in my room while I was going to bed, and then my parents would come in to say goodnight, and look right at him. He was invisible to everyone but me, so they just turned and closed the door on their way out. This left me alone with the long nosed dude. I always woke up with him approaching me, and nothing bad ever happened. I was however always terrified when I woke up, and still will not watch that movie for fear of him bringing back the same feelings of terror. 

I haven't had one of those nightmares in a long time, but I have been having a different type of bad dream. For a few months now, I have been having great dreams with friends and people that matter to me. In these dreams I have a lot of fun, do amazing things, and everything seems to go perfectly. The worst part of these dreams, is waking up. Something about having a dream where everything goes just the way I want it to, and then realizing when I wake up that absolutely nothing has happened is a bit sad. 

\

If I could, I would never sleep, and just keep living my life straight on through till the end. Sleep seems to me to be a waste of time. I know my body needs it, but what if i didn't? Imagine all the things we could get done with that much more time every day! My philosophy used to be "I can sleep when I am dead", and I would stay up late every night until I fell asleep due to exhaustion. 

Heading to the chapel and....

This weekend I had the privilege of going to the wedding of two mutual friends. The ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was fantastic fun! Of course I got my dance on at the reception (terribly) and the whole weekend was a blast. One of the strangest things to happen at this wedding, came in the form of a little 14 year old girl. We first saw her at the ceremony. She was sitting in front of us, and asked us if we were excited. We said we were, and she followed up by saying that she was a neighbor of the bride, and was "basically adopted because the bride loved her so much". Later in the evening we asked the bride about it, and she had only met her that day... apparently she was the neighbor of one of the brides aunts.... LOL. What a little liar we have here. Later that night, at the reception, a friend of mine and I were dancing on the floor, being awesome, and she came up to him and started dancing with him (grinding is more like it... and she was wearing clothing not fitting for a 14 year old, you can image the rest). He pushed her away as soon as he noticed, and she said "are you married?" He said no, and she said "will you date me?" My friend was a bit taken aback, but managed to spit out the word "no". She left the dance floor, and I thought that would be the end of it. In the food line about 20 min later, she ran by me and said "get the fuck out of my way". This little girl was turning out to be quite rude, immature, and troublesome. I just said "excuse me" and tried to forget about it. Finally, on the dance floor at the end of the night, she came up to me and tried to dance with me. I kept moving away, and she eventually asked me if I was married too. As if me not wearing a ring was not a good enough answer, I said "no, but I am taken. Bye". She seemed very upset, and ran off again. I just have one thing to say about this little girl... WTF? What was she thinking? This to me is a clear example of a problem I see too much. It is called "where are your parents" syndrome. All night I never once saw this girls parents. If this is any indication of their parenting techniques, its no wonder she is so messed up. Clearly lying for attention, and my guess is asking my friend and I out was for attention too. Parents, spend time with your kids!

On a side note, one guy wore jeans with holes in them, a wife beater, open short sleeve button up green shirt, and a belt that said "fuck off" on it to the wedding and reception. Also... WTF?

Does Insecurity Make Me Stronger?

I will just say it, I am an insecure person in many ways. For some reason I always find myself wondering and caring about what other people think of what and why I don things. I know that it is foolish, and hear the voice in my head saying to be myself. I still cannot escape the desire to be accepted. I am well aware of the fact that I will be better accepted when I have the confidence to be myself, but I still have difficulty with it sometimes. The funny thing is, I HATE the idea of not being myself so much, that when I have these thoughts, I act out to the extreme, doing whatever I want or sometimes whatever other people don't want. It is in these moments when I wonder what the hell I am doing. The struggle for me to figure out who I am rages on every day, and every time I make progress, I manage to fall behind in something else.

One of the things I have figured out about myself is that I want to be a nice guy... I want to be the guy everyone likes and wants to hang out with. Yea, everyone has bad days, and bad moods, but for the most part I feel like a do a pretty good job being nice. Today at work I found myself wondering if I really am liked at all. Maybe I am that guy who everyone pretends to like when he is around but really hates. One of my biggest fears is being hated by the people I love, so this thought cut me to the core. I quickly reflected on my actions of the past few months. I crack jokes  (many inappropriate) at people, I complain too much, I get in bad moods, I hold grudges too long, and I of course have been rude to people. Maybe I just need to try more...

Sometime tonight, just before deciding to write this post, I was thinking about how it is that I can be nicer, more polite, happier, and more liked by other people.  During this little thought process, I came upon the idea of the second self. Yes, I have a second me, a twin in some ways. There is a me in my head and my heart which idealizes everything that I want to be. When I have trouble making decisions about what to do, often I ask myself "what would the man I want to be do"? I think the real thing that should drive me is not what other people think of me, but what I think of me. The second self I have created is the person I want to be, so I hope to continue making decisions on his behalf in hopes that one day he and I will be the same person.

Clearly I am not perfect and I am aware of it. The best I can do is to continue to work on and improve myself into the man I want to be. This is a task that will never be complete, but I hope will get easier every day. Tomorrow I will wake up a little more the me I want to be. It would seem that once again self reflecting due to personal insecurity has brought me to a better place. Maybe my insecurity is a good thing...

The Dilemma

I was very lonely during the summer back home, due to my lack of friends, and everything is so much better now that I am back at home. Despite the fact that I am surrounded by friends, I seem to have no one to hang out with tonight. Sitting in my room on my computer is not my ideal Friday night. Hopefully soon this rare problem will be eliminated my the arrival of my two best friends. I always know I can talk and hang out with them, and they make me feel so much better. Until then, I suppose I will continue to mass text people trying to find something to do. The joys of Spokane!

Love me for who I am, not what I've done

I have come to the conclusion that parents need a bit of a lesson on why they are parents and what that "job" entails. I have seen too many friends struggle to keep close with their parents because their parents don't let them live on their own. There comes a time when parents need to let go. I understand that they have raised us, and taught us and want to protect us because they love us. I feel like often the fear of something bad happening to a child makes parents restrict their children's lives too much. Parents should not be afraid of their children dying, but afraid of them never having lived. Let us live please! Trust that you have taught us well and send us out into the world to make our own mistakes and have our own adventures. I would like to think that my parents would love me unconditionally, and no matter what. I expect the same from every parent. If I commit a crime, will I be welcome in my home? If I have no money or worth, will I still be welcome? I know for me, the answer is yes, but many friends are not in the same lucky boat. It angers me to hear of people who try to control their children through the threat of love. "We wont love you if you..." COME ON! I don't care if you dislike her fiance, or if he had sex, or if he is a genuine ass hole. They are your children, which is the greatest miracle on earth. Love them for it and let them live with your love always.

Inadequacy

The sum of all fears

I cannot shake this feeling

Often ending in tears

It wracks my soul

And feasts on my brain

It consumes my thoughts whole

I feel it through my heart

I reek of discontentment

And it tears me apart

My own inadequacy

Why am I not good enough?

Don't Get Mad, Get Glad!

People get mad. it happens all the time. It happens to everyone, and there is nothing we can do about it. Everyone has bad days, and no one can be happy all the time. I do not understand why when people are mad, or in a bad mood, why it is necessary to be mean to other people. When I am mad, I just get really quiet, and don't talk a lot. I would rather be quiet and polite that loud and rude. The unfortunate thing about people being upset, is that it tends to rub off on others, much like happiness. It really blows when someone is angry, and then someone else gets angry, and pretty soon everyone is yelling at each other and no one knows why. For this reason, I try to be as happy as I can around people who are mad. Sometimes it makes it even worse, but I don't care. I refuse to let someone else control how I feel. When someone makes you mad,they are controlling you by your feelings, and I try hard to not let that happen. Now, I am not saying that I am perfect in any way, because i do get mad, but I rarely take it out on anyone. When I was younger and got mad at my parents, they would continue being happy and eventually I would grow tired of being stubborn and mad and I would cheer up, forget about it, and move on. I try to employ the same tactics on others, hoping to cheer them up with happiness and resilience. I must also say that the day always seems to go by quicker and better when I am positive and happy. As an optimist, finding the bright side is something I am good at. For this reason, I do get a bit irritated when people are pessimistic to the point of feeling sorry for themselves. There comes a point when you must pick yourself up by your bootstraps and move on. I have no sympathy for people who dwell on the past or things that they have no control over. In the spirit of today, I leave you with the following quote "Don't worry, be happy".

Death Comes in Many Ways

In my brief 21 years of experience in the world, I have come to the realization that great and terrible things seem to happen in 3's. About 2 weeks ago my Granddad died, and this has been one of the saddest times of my life. His death has also given me a bit of a new outlook on my life. That was death number one. Today, a baby bird was found outside my house. It was quivering and shaking and clearly in a lot of pain, and had blood on it. My guess is that it had been left there by some predator (a cat, bird, or snake maybe). It was best for use to shoot it and put it out of its misery. i warn you, that if you don't want details, don't read the rest of this paragraph. We shot it in the head with a BB gun. It took the head clean off, and the bird died instantly. The body twitched and struggle for 10 seconds after, I felt terrible afterword.

I know that my Granddad's death and this bird are not related, and cannot really compare them in any way, but I do wonder what will be the third death? I am a bit superstitious, so I have a bit of a feeling that the 3rd death will come. I just hope that it is no one I love and care about.

I have begun to bond with my housemates a little bit this weekend, which has been interesting. One of them likes to play Halo: Reach, so we played through the campaign on Legendary. Another one just likes to sit around and chat, and he and I have had a few conversations. There is still one that I don't like. He seems very immature, and voices many opinions that directly conflict with my moral values. On the plus side, I just have to live with him, I don't have to be friends with him.

I will be going to one of my good friends weddings in a week or two, and i am pretty excited. I will be going in a group of 4 people from work, and it promises to be a fun time. This couple is one of those couples that I am happy to hear is getting married, and I wish the best for them. There are however many people in my grade and age range who are getting married much too soon. Some people get married after only dating for 4 or 7 months (true stories). I just think that while at school, education should be my first priority because that is what I am paying to go there for. Now, that doesn't mean I will not pursue a relationship at school, just that I think marriage should wait until after graduation. It is hard to see friends rush into something and I just hope that they come out okay, and don't ruin a great thing by going too fast. That is very much me though, I like to take it slow in many things, and relationships are no different. From what i have heard from good friends, lasting couples, and family, one of the most important things to a lasting relationship is basing it around friendship. I firmly believe that if I marry my best friend, she and I will work perfectly.

Somehow I went from death to marriage, and I am not quite sure how that happened, but whatever. : )

Random Thoughts From The Mind of Reid

Random thought 1: I have been in Spokane for 4 days now. A lot has happened int hat short amount of time, and yet nothing really significant. I have started working again in the theatre and as an event technician, I have moved into my house for the summer and moved in all of my stuff, and met with many friends in Spokane. I went to see a movie with a friend, went to Dicks for lunch, and have gone to Taco Bell waaaaaay too many times already. I am not sure how, but apparently me being back at work has changed the atmosphere there. It has been said that I brought too much testosterone back into work. Personally, ad the guy who cant really grow facial hair, I don't know what testosterone they are talking about. I spent most of today either running sound for the President of my University, or striking lights and cables from the APs of our theatre. It was a good 95 degrees in Spokane today, so it was really HOT up there in the APs. Something about being 50 feet in the air and looking down to the ground did make me think about what I really want from life.

Random thought 2: I have been telling myself that theatre is what I want from life for so long now, it seems weird to even consider that something else could be a possibility in my life. I did try to think about some other things that I could do with my life, but everything else I like to do I seem to suck at, and everything else I am good at I cant stand doing. Theatre seems to be the only thing that I am good at and enjoy, so that is where I plan on staying. The funny thing is, I actually don't think I am very good at what I do. I just try harder than everyone else, and spend more time and energy getting experience. When it comes to actual talent, I am lacking. In order for me to stay ahead in this world of the theatre, I am going to have to put in way more time and energy to get the same product as more talented people. Fortunately, I believe I have the drive to do so. Experience is easy to come by at a University where I am the only Technical Theatre Major.

Random thought 3: The theme of this next year for me is based of the following question:
"When am I going to be a Senior in college again?"
I am determined to live my life to its fullest for this next year. I have heard too many stories of peoples "could haves" and "would haves" to make the same mistakes. I plan on ending my life with as little regrets as possible, and that starts here and now. I actually have no idea why I started typing this, but the more I type it the more convinced I am that it is true.

Random thought 4: During the Alumni Dinner that I ran sound and tech for tonight, the President of the University announced and talked about his new plans for the school in the future, and the slogan that would take us there. The slogan is "Courage at the Crossroads". The entire dinner he talked about some of the many different ways in which that slogan could be interpreted. His belief was that the crossroads was where the streets of  being an academic university and a religious institution met. Nothing was ever really said about why courage was needed at said crossroads. I am going to take a spin on this myself. The way I see it, the crossroad could represent many things in my life right now, but the real point is the courage. The courage is what is needed to walk in the middle of the street. Most of my experience in life has taught me that nothing is in black and white. On one each side of each crossroad in life is an extreme choice. One must find the courage to walk in the street between these extremes. This takes courage in 3 ways, the first of whcih is the courage to get off the sidewalk. The second is the courage to stay in the street. Walking in the middle of the street and away from the sidewalk means sometimes being alone. One must maintain faith that though they appear alone, they are doing what is right for them. The third courage is to get back up. there are many cars on the road of life, and you cannot avoid them all. I have been hit by a few "cars" in my life, and the most important part of walking in the middle of the street of life is to have the courage to get back up and keep walking.

A final note:
Much of what I have written may make absolutely no sense, and if that is the case, please just ignore it. I am not the best writer (Theatre Major... lol) and sometimes struggle to get my thoughts out on paper or screen. Thanks for our patience : )

I'll Be Coming Home Just to Be Alone

The past few days have been very busy and emotionally taxing. My Granddad died about a week ago, and I had the rosary service, the funeral mass, and the burial to go to. All of these things were quite a ways from my house, so motion sickness has been rampant in my body for the past couple days. While I selfishly mourn for my own loss at the death of my Granddad, I cant help but be happy for the life he lived, and the glorious place where he is now. My only regret is not spending more time with him, which, is partially my fault. there is too much family drama to get into on a blog, but my family did not see my Grandma and Granddad enough for the past... 10-15 years. I cried today at the Veterans Cemetery where he was buried. The military funeral, gun salute, and taps were just a bit too much for me. Shortly after the burial I drove home, and quickly packed and left for my flight back to Spokane. On the way, I found myself considering Spokane my "home" and not my place of birth and childhood. Most of the things (besides my parents) that mean something to me are in Spokane. My job, my friends, my school, and most of my important memories to define me. My family took me to the airport, and I was in a hurry to leave.  I am afraid that my rush to leave may have come across as anger at them, which is not the case. While my family did annoy me greatly these past few months, I am most certainly not upset at them in any way. I am so glad that I am here now, and while being in my hometown was nice, I was going a little crazy of loneliness. I start work on Monday, and hope to see many friends soon. I just feel more appreciated, understood, and loved here than anywhere else. I can tell that this is where I belong right now. The sad part is, the one person I want to see is not here right now, so in a way, I am still alone. I look forward to their arrival to Spokane with much anticipation. 

My new house is pretty cool. Most of the guys living here I have met before at  one time or another. This is my first time living off campus so it is a bit new for me. My room is all set up, and I am enjoying the independence being here has already brought. I suppose this will be one of those "growing up" experiences that everyone is supposed to have in their college days. 

A random assortment of stories

I have had a busy last week since getting back from Rome. the day I got back, I went to visit my Granddad in a hospice, where he was moved while I was in Rome. I said my goodbyes, and so did the family, and he passed away 3 hours later. Throughout my life, I have always been aware that death is around me, but I have never seen it this close. It is comforting to know that he lived a good life, and I am sure I will see him in heaven. While in the hospice, I found it hard to look at my Granddad. It hurts to see someone you love in such a poor and helpless state. Just looking at him brought me to tears. I prefer to remember him for the good times we had while he was alive.  I have a funeral to go to in the next few days, and have been asked to be one of the casket bearers. I have begun to wonder why it is we feel the need to mourn the dead at all. They are gone, and it seems to me that the whole morning process is a bit selfish. All everyone is worried about is how much they miss the person who died and how it will effect them. Not many people think about celebrating the deceased persons life, and that they cannot feel or think anymore, so any pain they had is gone. I like to think of death and the journey that follows as a permanent vacation from the pains and sorrows of life.

I went to my families cabin at Birch Bay for the past 4 days to celebrate the 4th of July. it is one of the most relaxing places I know. The cabin is literally 25 feet from the water, and I could sit on the beach all day and be happy. When the tide goes out sometimes you can walk for miles into the bay. Birch bay at any time of the year is fantastic... Birch bay on the 4th... OMG! The entire bay is full of fireworks, bonfires, and people from dark until 2 or 3 in the morning. We always go to the Indian reservation and buy some fireworks and sit on the beach setting them off all night and watching as the entire bay gives a spectacular show the entire night. Birch Bay is better than any professional show I have ever seen on the 4th, and I would not give it up for anything.

On another random note, In Birch Bay, I was visited by a stray cat. He stayed in our cabin the entire 4 days, and even killed a bird and brought it to us. It was really hot and he would just lay around and look cute all day. I wish I could have taken him home with me. I seem to have a knack for finding cats... which I am okay with cause I love them!

I will be leaving to go back to Spokane for work in just a few days, and am looking forward to being around many of my friends. Unfortunately my 2 best friends will still be miles away. I cant wait to see them whenever that is : )

Rome, Day 6

Today is my last day in Italy. We moved out of our hotel in Sorento in the morning and went to Mt. Vesuvius. I climbed to the top with the rest of the group, and the view from the top was stunning. We got back to the buss and went to an old Benedictine monastery called Monte Casino. It was really amazing, and there were some gorgeous statues and paintings there. We also got to sit in on a service of the monks, where they were practicing the traditional old Gregorian chants in Latin. After this we went back to the bus and went to our last hotel which is on the top ridge of a caldera lake. This view was the best on of the whole trip. Our tour guide said that the pope has a summer home up here. It is currently midnight, and I am exhausted. We leave in the morning at 3... this trip has been full of amazing things and I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to come. Goodnight from Rome for the last time.

Rome, Day 5

I started today off by going on a boat to the beautiful island of Capri. Once we were on the boat I got sea sick, but I managed to hold it together until we got there. Once we were on the island, we took another, smaller boat on a tour around the island, seeing the grotto's and the many huge and rich mansions of the rich and famous. After we returned to dry land (thank God) we took a tram called the "Fanicular" (I probably misspelled that) up to the top of the island. This is where all the rich people go... the place where the town square includes Gucci, Prada, and many other expensive shops that I dared not walk into. We looked at some amazing gardens and views from up there and then saw the mansion that Jacqueline Kennedy lived in. Lunch was great (I had swordfish) and then we took the tram back down to the base of the island. We had 2 hours of free time, so I chaperoned the kids as they went swimming in the Med. We took a ferry back to the island, which was a lot bigger so I did not get sea sick. Then we went to see a local wood insetting company, and got to see how they do their job which was pretty cool.  I wish I was that good with wood (stop it right now!). Dinner at the hotel was great, and I am going to bed early because I am so tired and still a little sea sick.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a charlie-horse in my leg and it kept me up for a while. We also had an issue today where some kids tried to "dine and dash" and make us pay for their lunch. People from Texas are giving us a lot of problems on this tour.

Rome, Day 4

Today was really cool, but full of a lot of Drama. We woke up early and checkout of our hotel in Rome. Then we drove for 4 hours to Pompeii and toured around the ruins. It was soooo hot! The tour was long, and hard [lol, yea... Im immature] but very interesting. One of the cooler and more immature things I learned, was that on the streets and walls of Pompeii, they carved out the shape of a penis that pointed to the brothel. I thought that was funny, and even funnier to see. Many of the annoying people from Texas complained that our chaperone (Sasha) went too fast, but I thought he was fabulous. If he went any slower we would have been in the sun way too long and possibly missed our other tour deadlines. Two chaperones got into a fight about weather he was good or not (can we not just agree to disagree anymore?). That is a stupid thing to fight about in my opinion. The fight left high tensions between Texas and Washington for the rest of the day, and I hope it doesn't continue throughout the trip.

After Pompeii, we got onto the buss and headed out for another 2 hours to our new hotel... in Sorento. One word describes this place - Beautiful. Everything from the buildings, to the water, to the beach, to the kittens was beautiful. I supervised the kids when they went swimming, and then we ate dinner. Then we went for a walk, and happened upon a bunch of little kittens! they were so cute and fluffy. They wouldn't let us get close enough to pet them, but we sat for some time and just watched them play with each other. I did manage to pet the mama cat, and she purred up a storm. After we put the kids to bed, us cool chaperones went out to the patio overlooking the bay and drank while the sun set. It was gorgeous.

Tomorrow we will take a boat to the island of Capri. I am really looking forward to it, but am afraid of getting sea sick on the way. Fingers crossed! If I have one regret about this trip, well... its not really a regret, just a wish, it is that I was here with a special someone (for the lack of a better word). Many times thus far on this trip I have enjoyed a spectacular sunset, or amazing piece of artwork, and feel that something is missing. I would like to come back someday with that special someone. On another note, I am becoming good friends with the other chaperones, and we are having lots of fun with these kids.

Time is running out

Sometimes it takes a glimpse of death to appreciate life. RIP Jerry Tennis

Rome, Day 3

I don't know if any day can top today in terms of being crazy (some good and some bad) stuff happening. I started out my day going on a tour of the Vatican City. I saw so many amazing paintings, sculptures, tapestries, frescoes  and mosaics in the museum. the Sistine Chapel was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! I spent 3o minutes just standing there staring at the walls and ceiling. I wish I could have stayed there all day. Everything was so perfect, and detailed, and colorful. It looks cool in pictures but in real life it just makes you feel so alive. I felt blessed just standing in the room. Standing there looking at all the paintings and knowing that Michelangelo hand painted some of it was just a tremendous feeling. We also went into St. Peter's Basilica, which was so breathtaking. All the walls and ceilings covered with gold, and paintings... After that we went into the  Capuchin Church, which is an old church decorated with bones and skeletons of dead people. It was incredible cool and awesome, but at the same time it was very creepy. For dinner we went to an underground restaurant with cool lighting, and a disco ball. the food was fantastic! After we put the kids to bed, most of the chaperones went to the hotel bar and stayed up talking and drinking. 


These things made up the majority of my day, but a few other interesting things happened throughout the day. One of the chaperones got pick-pocketed for 5 euro, another for 100 euro, and my dad for 190 dollars. I guess I am glad that we are able to bring stability into the Italian economy. It just reminds me to stay aware of my surroundings and alert at all times. The group of students and parents from Texas have grown more and more annoying as the trip has progressed. On the bright side, the dislike for them has brought many of us closer together. They always seem to be a popular subject of conversation. I would like to see us just forget about them and enjoy the trip, but many people seem to lack the ability to do so. Tensions and building, and I hope then diffuse before they explode. 


Tomorrow we will leave this hotel and go to a new one in Sorrento. On the way we will stop in Pompeii. I look forward to tomorrow and the great things I hope to see there. TTY2M

Rome, Day 2

It is currently 4:30am, and I am showered and ready to go. I received my wake up call 3 hours too early, and did not have a clock to see the mistake until I was up and showered and awake. Apparently the person giving the wake up call did not set their watch to the right time zone... UK time. At this point, I might as well stay up and see my first Roman sunrise. I do feel much better than I did yesterday now that I have some sleep under my belt, although I would have enjoyed a few more hours. I will write more in the evening when something more notable has happened over the day.

So, the rest of "Rome day 2" was super busy. We started out going to the Colosseum, which was sooooo cool to see in person! Walking in a group of 51 people (half of which are from Texas) is a bit chaotic. These particular Texans are rude, loud, a little stupid, and very immature. Anyway, the Colosseum was the bees knees. Being able to walk in it, and touch the same stone that was there and in use more than 2000 years ago is amazing to think about. Just being there in person, and seeing all the things I learned about in school was amazing. After the Colosseum we went to the Roman Forum for a few hours, and looked at many other ancient ruins of buildings, statues, gardens, and even the death place of Julius Caesar. After that, we went to a place known as the Spanish Steps, and got some free time to shop and explore in Rome. That was a lot of fun! After lunch, I saw the Trevi Fountain, the Pantheon, and a beautiful church that I cannot remember the name of. One thing that kept impressing me was the size of all of these sculptures. On TV or in a book, they are described as being large, but seeing them towering over me was absolute insanity. So far, the Pantheon is my favorite thing I have seen. The dome, and the hole, and the paintings... amazing.

We ended the tour with another chunk of free time, which I spent sitting under a mist machine at a bar, drinking limoncello and eating calamari and prosciutto with mozzarella. It was 95 degrees and we had been walking all day, so I really enjoyed the chance to rest. I signed up for an optional night tour of Rome too. Rome is so different at night. We revisited most of the sights we saw earlier in the day, and I spent most of my time looking at how each piece was lit.. being a techie and all. We returned to the hotel at 12:45am from the night tour, and I am exhausted.

I discovered a sunburn on my face, neck, and arms... I itch. My feet hurt pretty bad too from all the walking we have been doing, but it is totally worth it. I am having some problems with my cell phone habits too. There are certain people (you know who you are) who I am in the habit of texting or talking to on a regular basis. I keep finding myself reaching for my phone to share with them how cool something is, and then I remember that I can't. I would love to come back here someday with a great friend or loved one and share this experience with them.

Rome, Day 1

Today has been such a crazy long day! I was up at 9:00am to get ready for the big trip to Rome. We arrived at the airport early (as any good chaperone does) and waited for the students to arrive. once they all showed up we hurried through  security checkpoints and got to the gate just in time to wait.. for 2 hours for our flight to board. The last time I flew on a flight for an extended period of time was over 10 years ago, so the whole TV in the back of the seat with movies, games, TV shows, and other things was a bit of a shock. They definitively helped to make the flight bearable. I have a notorious history of not being able to sleep on cars, boats, or planes,so the 10 hour flight seemed to go on FOREVER! Thankfully, many games of solitaire, chess, my iPod, and free movies came to my rescue. On the flight, we also got free dinners and breakfast. I was pretty happy with the flight despite how tired I was and how my body was screaming at me to get up and move the entire flight. The 10 hour flight landed in Paris.

This was my first time in France, but I really did not get a chance to see or do anything because I spent 3 hours in the airport just waiting for my flight to Rome. The little flight from Paris to Rome was in some ways worse than the 10 hour flight to Paris. I was already dead tired and this plane of course had no TV or anything to do, so keeping awake was a bit of a challenge. During the landing procedure, we hit some massive turbulence, and my body decided it needed to react in the form of throwing-up. I managed to keep it down (TMI?) and then, I was in Rome!!! 

I was (and still am) super excited just to be here in Rome. The start of this tour however, has not been promising. We were picked up from the airport by our tour guide, and took a 2 hour buss ride to dinner, which, to be honest was not that great. I hope to experience a little better Italian food in the near future. During dinner we met the other members of out tour who were from Texas, and then took an hour bus ride to our hotel. I am writing this [or was when I wrote it] from my hotel room, and it is a bit gross.  It is messy, unclean, poorly constructed, and a bit sketchy. On the plus side, it has a bed, and I am excited about that! During the time I am writing this I have been awake for.... 29 hours, most of which has been sitting on a crowded plane, terminal, or bus. I can only look forward to tomorrow when I actually get to see some cool stuff in Rome! I end this day with the faith and hope that this shitty day of travel will pay off over the next week. [ps: it did]

When in Rome... Blog on Paper?

Here is the deal, I am leaving for Rome in a few short hours. While in Rome I will be keeping a Journal and no computer or cell phone. When I return I am planning on posting my Journal on this blog for you all to read, and by "you all" I mean the 3 of you who follow me : ) Until then, I hope that you all stay safe, and I will too. After that, who cares! TTYL

It's Hard to Keep the Faith, I'm Never Gonna Fade Away

I will be in Rome in 3 days! I am getting pretty excited about it. I have almost finished packing already because apparently I have so little to do this summer that packing 3 days early was a good idea. I have had the blessing of having one of my good friends back in town for the past week. He and I have hung out a lot, and talked about many things. Just being able to talk about life sometimes makes it so much easier to think about it clearly. I have noticed that I act differently around him that some of my other friends. This got me wondering "whats up with that?" When I stop to think about it, I guess I am a little different around everybody. Which one of those is the real me? Am I only me when I am alone, or is it some sort of combination of how I am with everyone put together? I think the real answer to that question is that I am the constant between all my different "personalities" (I know I don't have split personalities or anything, it is just the easiest way to put it). The things that remain the same despite whoever I am with are what make me who I am. All of the aspects of me that change based on who I am with are not important to me, and therefor adapt to fit the people around me. I wondered for a while if this adaptation of sorts makes me a weak person, but I think it just means that I know what is really important to me, and everything else is just sand in the hourglass.

Lost in a Simple Game Cat and Mouse

Today has been a very good day. I spend most of my day at home, doing Job research and relaxing. I hung out with a few friends in the evening, went to get ice cream, and then played Frisbee in the rain for like 4 hours! I am cold, wet, and exhausted but it felt really good to get out and work of some of the energy that I have been storing up for the past month.
       No, the cat picture is not random. Today, I found my cat, Lynx, had brought me a little present. A little bird was sitting on the front door. I was about to go and sweep it up and throw it away, when it fluttered a few feet, and Lynx began to play with it. While it is cruel that he (and most cats) play their prey to death, I was reminded of how death is simply a part of life. Lynx is doing his part to survive, and just following his instincts. In the same way, i must remember to just do what I need to survive. I believe I am here for a reason, and when it is over, I will leave this world. Death will be a part of my life, and there is nothing I can do about it. This is still hard for me to accept, and I am not going to pretend that just because I am blogging about it I am over it, because I am not. Just something I am working on. In the meantime, all I can do is find my bird and play with it too. Weird metaphor, but whatever. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

I Don't Like How I Gotta Work, And They Just Sit Around And Get Paid

Throughout my life, I have developed certain habits involving how to work. I have been brought up to believe that if you do something, you give it your all and that people who work hard mill make it far in life. things such as football, track and field, homework, theatre, work (whatever it may be) all should be looked at in this manner. I find it so frustrating when other people do not work hard at all. I understand that everyone is different, and so everyone works differently, blah blah blah.... The thing I cannot stand to see is the people who do absolutely nothing productive, and still get the same recognition/reward as those who actually do something. On the plus side to this frustration, this is part of what drives me to work as hard as I can. How is it that people do not see the difference between those who do their job, and those who don't. I find it blatantly obvious. I often wish that survival of the fittest was at work in our society (which I am convinced it is not) so that these people would die, and the rest of us hard working people could actually get something done. Sometimes I think these nonworking people are doing it just to piss me off, but I know that is not true. I think maybe it is just laziness, or stupidity. I find that this lazy issue is particularly prevalent in the youth of today. How often do you see a kid working hard? I can say that I don't see it nearly enough. Connecting the dots between stupidity and the youth of today, I am reminded of someone from my college career. this person was the worst worker I have ever seen. he tried all he could, but never got anything done. he was literally the stupidest person I have ever met. I know this makes me sound mean, but he was not mentally ill or anything. Common sense things just did not make it into his brain. I would love to write about some of the stupid things he did, but I cannot without making it obvious to people who know me who he is. For this reason, I will not, and just end this post with a quote from a great man. "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them".
RIP survival of the fittest

It’s All Success If It’s What You Need, Do What You Like And Do It Honestly

Did you ever have one of those days where you realize that you haven't been acting quite like yourself recently? I had one of those moments today. I was recently chatting with a good friend on the phone, and in the context of asking him questions about his life and how it was going and listening to his responses, I began to reflect on myself. I feel as though listening is one of the best methods of learning about one's self and others. This is part of the reason why I am often the quiet kid at large gatherings. I usually just prefer to listen to other people. In the words of Jackie Chan "I like to let people talk who like to talk. It makes it easier to find out how full of shit they are". Anyway, after the phone conversation with my friend, I felt much better about my life and everything going on in it. I believe that this is primarily due to the realization that I was going about it all wrong, and changing my point of attack on many issues. Its not to say that things in my life have been fake or anything, just not done in the right spirit. I believe that much of what matters in this world is the spirit and faith in which you pursue things, and your intentions.  Upon reflecting on my life for the past few months, I have come to realize that I am in need of some changes. I hope that these changes will effect my life in a positive manner.

Technologic

Yesterday, my computer broke. I thought for a little bit that it would be fine if I gave it some time to recover or something, which in hind site was a stupid thought. It is still broken, and it is over the past few days that I have realized how much I depend on my computer. I find myself sitting at home with absolutely no idea what to do. There are clearly many things to do and I out of habit can only think about what I cannot do on the computer. Video games  Facebook, blogging, and email are an important part of my life. I do not however believe that my life should come to a standstill if I do not have access to them. I am trying to uphold my 21st Birthday goal of getting outside more during this time of my lack of a computer. I worked out today, went for a run, and spent time with my family. I also wrote many letters to people I had been meaning to for a long time. I hope that I can continue to find ways to spend my time without a computer in the future.

It seems to me that in todays society, we use computers as a necessity, instead of just a tool. I believe that we must be careful about our growing dependence on technology and computers. Many opportunities in life can be missed while sitting at a TV or computer screen, and life is too precious to waste. Ironically, I am talking about this subject on my blog, from a computer, but such is the way of our world. There is a balance between using technology and abusing it that we must find. 

When It's Time To Party We Will Party Hard

It has been a good past few days. My 21st year has started well. I went to a Moody Blues concert today with my folks, and it was pretty fun. I am not the concert going type, so I didn't get crazy with all the other 70 year olds there, but I sat back and just enjoyed the music, the weather, and people watching. It always amazes me how music can bring people together. I love watching people who have never met before dance, hug, laugh, and share stories all over a little common interest. I am also going to go to another concert in a few months. My best friend and roommate got us tickets to go see Motley Crew. That should be a lot of fun too. A little different type of music, but whatever. Tomorrow I have my family birthday party, where a bunch of my family and friends are getting together to celibate my 21st. I look forward to spending some time with the people that I don't get to see a lot. I already know that my least favorite part of tomorrow will be when everyone sings "Happy Birthday" to me, and the presents. It just makes me uncomfortable when all those people are paying attention to just me. As per usual, I will try to remain quiet and make sure that I let everyone know how thankful I am for them caring about me and coming. The time people take to come and visit with you, or call you, or send you a gift  is one of those small things that I think a lot of people don't remember to be thankful for.

Just Another Brick in the Wall

Here it is, my first day of being 21! Being the rebel that I am I decided to go against the grain and not get sloshed on my Birthday. I don't have a huge crowd of friends in my hometown anyway, so I spent the day listening to music, playing some games, and responding to messages, phone calls, and texts. I ran lights for a Benjamin Franklin impersonator, and then went out to my first bar with my parents and my brother. I know very little about drinking, as I don't really do it much, and so I had each of them order one drink for me. Out of the three drinks I had, I am sad to say I liked none of them. I guess its all a part of the learning process. I am pretty sure the rest of my family had more to drink than I did, as I had to drive one of my parents home. I still had a great night with my family. I have been asked at least 5 times today how it feels to be 21, and I must confess, I feel pretty much the same. I was also asked to come up with a goal for myself for next year, and I figured this is a good place to put it so i can be held accountable. My goal for the year of my 21st birthday is to  get outside a little more. I like being outdoors just fine, but I spend most of my time inside. I would like to get out and enjoy the world and nature more this next year. Today has been a great day. Pretty much all the aspects of my life are looking up, and I hope they remain so. As far as the significance of this day is concerned, I see it as just another brick in the wall.

Crazy "Little Thing" Called Love

I have come to the conclusion over my vast years of experience (soon to be 21) that it is the little things that matter the most in this world. All of the things that have mattered to me the most are small things that someone did, or said to me that made a huge impact on my life. I never really gave this much thought until recently, when I realized that I don't do enough of those "little things" for other people. I have taken it upon myself to try and be a little bit more outgoing when it comes to my friends, and the people I love. Besides the fact that doing small things for other people has proven to bring joy into my life, it will hopefully make a few other peoples lives a bit happier too. After all, what could I possibly hope to do with my life if not to make people happy? It is my hope, that like in that one car commercial about doing nice things to others, these small things I do will inspire others to do the same. I know I am a bit of an idealist.... but all I can do is try. : )

I Wish Everyone Was Loved Tonight...

Have you ever been insulted by someone whom you love? A good friend?Best perhaps? Family? Husband or wife? I know many people just say to not take things like that personally, but after the insult is repeated over and over, I can't help but take offense. Being a non-confrontational person, I of course elect to keep my feelings to myself (and apparently this blog). Having stood up for myself before and failed, I have found that the best solution for me is to simply wait out the storm and try to forget about it when it has passed. The difference comes when someone I love and care about, begins to insult other people I love and care about. I can sit by and do nothing when insulted, but I will not sit by while the same happens to others. I am so tired of being misunderstood and ridiculed by my family for things that they clearly do not posses the capacity to understand. I just wish everyone could just be loving towards each other and learn to accept people for whoever they are. The most interesting and nicest people I know are in fact the strangest and weirdest people I know. I suppose I have learned a little about myself today, in that I may not stand up for myself often, but standing up for others is something I can and will continue to do.

All the World's Indeed a Stage, And We Are Merely Players

I was reminded today why I love working and being a part of the theatre. I attended a "sneak peak preview" for the upcoming season of a local community theatre. The event was basically a bunch of little snippets of the different shows that will be in the next season. Some musical numbers, some acting scenes, an improve troupe, and even some opera! The night was a blast, despite the fact that I did not know anyone there, and just sat in the back enjoying all the good music, acting, and funny jokes. Theatre people just get me, and I love to be around them no matter what the situation. I am so glad that I have this as part of my life.

This Night is a Perfect Shade of Dark Blue

Today was my first day volunteering at a local community theatre. I put in about 5 hours of set building work, and worked hard. I am always a little nervous going somewhere new and learning how they like to do things, but it went pretty well. I have been in a great mood all day, simply due to the fact that I no longer have nothing to do. Yes, the work I am doing is volunteer, but I still feel very much like I have a job. Going to work every day, and putting my nose to the grindstone making sets, cutting wood, and creating something out of nothing is very rewarding for me. I am still looking forward to going back to Spokane in a month for my actual paid job, but for now, this suits me just fine. The feeling of the day is contentment.

Understanding

So, did you ever just think about the world, the role you play in it, how vast the universe is, and how you are not the only one thinking? I sometimes have these thoughts, and then my mind wanders to places I cannot recall. There is often a point in this thought process, where I feel as though I understand everything. It is the weirdest sensation I have ever felt. It is a feeling of pure joy, understanding, relaxation, and carefree-nes. I still feel as though I have not really described this amazing feeling. Whenever it happens, it lasts only for a split second, and then vanishes. I wish I could feel that way forever. I sometimes think that I am glimpsing heaven, or some sort of divine spark from God. I am actually curious as to weather or not anyone has any idea as to what I am talking about. Maybe its just me, but either way, it happened today and I figured I'd say something about it.

I Give it All, Now There's a Reason, There's a Reason, to Give it All

Today I attended a graduation party with many people. I have never been more acutely aware of how important the people you know are in life, and not what you can do. Throughout my life I have always tried to be the hardest worker I can be, and do my best work. I find it slightly sad that that is no longer what drives the world. At this graduation party, most of the talk done by everyone was of this person or that person who someone knew, and had a lot of money. Most of the graduation gifts were simply money given by rich people that so and so had met, or talked with. There were no stories of hard work, just of networking. As a very unsocial person, who has a hard time meeting and talking with people, this is very troubling for me. I am beginning to wonder if it is even possible for me to make it in this social networking world. Throughout this entire graduation party, I did try to talk to people on multiple occasions, most of which ended in the same way. After being ignored so many times, one begins to just stop trying to communicate. I may be old fashioned, but I wish that it was what you could do and your experience that mattered most, not just who you know.

I Don't Need Boxes Wrapped in Strings and Designer Love and Empty Things

As the days of summer stretch out and mold together into what seems to be one very short adventure, I am beginning to find things to spend my time with that are at least of some value. I was offered a temporary 1 day job at a local company, have made good progress on some of my hobbies, and am preparing for the trip to Rome in a little more than a month. Somewhere in the back of my mind is the fact that my birthday is approaching. I always seem to forget about it until its right on top of me. Of all the concerns that one should have about a birthday, the biggest one for me is simply "what am I going to do". This will be my 21st birthday, and I have no desire to spend it going out to bars and getting wasted. I will probably be forced by friends or family to go to a bar or two, but I can guess that they will all get drunk and I will end up the only sober one there.One thing I do look forward to is that after my birthday, I will be able to go to bars with friends and family, not for the sake of drinking, but just to be with them. i am tired of being the young one who isn't old enough yet. On the bright side, going to bars with my brother will be a great way to pass the time this summer, and I am sure he will entertain me quite well. My parents keep asking me what I want for my birthday, and I must confess, I don't really want much.  I guess I have just gotten to the point where giving other people gifts seems more enjoyable to me than receiving them. I am not quite sure when this happened, but I do know that I have been of this mindset for at least the past few years. Now, maybe this is just me, but I love to see people get excited or happy when they open a gift from me. It makes me feel so good and appreciated. Maybe even validated in a way. I suppose this joy of giving goes deeper in my life than just birthdays and Christmas. When I think about why I enjoy working backstage in theatre, I must confess the main drive is seeing how my actions benefit others. In a way, my work is a needed gift that can help an actor, director, or the audience to better understand the message portrayed by a show. There are others in this world, who do not share my joy of giving, and for them I am truly sorry. I don't believe that they know what they are missing.

In My Own Riptide The Water Is Fine

What a good day it has been today. I slept in way too long, went to get new shoes cause mine are falling apart, and went to see a children's theatre production of Ann of Green Gables. I find any excuse to go see any form of theatre, weather it be non profit, professional, community, or whatever. I just loving being a part of and seeing theatre, no matter how it presents itself. My parents are always struggling to spend more time with my brother and I. I went to get shoes with my father, which meant a lot to him, and went to the show with my mom. She was absolutely thrilled. I find it interesting how I have grown apart from my family as I have gotten older. It is not like I don't care about them, because I love them all dearly, but the older I get the more I seem to tire of them. I think it is just many little things adding up that somehow annoy me or wear me down. Due to the fact that I love them all so much, I will continue to spend as much time with them as I can, and hope that I get over it. I think that maybe part of it is just me, growing as a person. While at college, I have grown and changed a lot. These changes are new to my parents, and I feel as though the "new" me is somehow not welcome home.
I also received a very uplifting email today on Facebook. One of my old friends who I no longer talk to thanked me for helping her to get over her depression problems. During the times when we were close, she tried to lighten her load and tell me about her current problems with depression and how she had bad thoughts about herself. My first response was something like "oh! You are awesome" thinking that it would solve everything. After a few minutes, I realized that it was a serious issue, and for the next few weeks, I pushed her to seek real professional help. I didn't hear much from her after that, but after receiving the email, it is clear to me that she did, and for that I thank the Lord. I am not sure what part I have played in her life, but I am glad to know that I helped make it better, and it is nice to be acknowledged for that.
I head to bed tonight with absolutely nothing to do tomorrow. I can only hope that tomorrow is as fufilling a day as today has been .

Jealousy, Turning Saints Into the Sea...

For the most part, today has been a pretty uneventful day. I will admit, yes I went to the store for shampoo, and yes I sent out even more emails with my resume for summer volunteer work, but the only real notable thing that has happened thus far is my decision to begin making models again. I have been staring at the 20 or so unfinished models on my desk, and figure I might as well do something productive with my free time. Many people have asked me over the years why it is that I paint models, since I choose just to display them. The simple answer is that I find it relaxing. I don't think I am very good at it, but making something from scratch into my own little creating is somehow fun for me. I hope to add a few finished models to the shelf on my desk dedicated to them. Unfortunately, working on models bring up a whole new set of problems (which could be good as at least they will give me something to do). Most of my paints are dry, by brushes are hard as rocks, and my glue has all dried in the tube. Sounds like another run to the store is in line.
On a different note, over the course of the day I have realized something about myself. I am a jealous man. While most people think of jealousy as a romantic thing, I can be pretty jealous in many aspects of my life. Friends, belongings, yes loved ones too if I have them, and even sometimes of small little insignificant things such as attention. While I rarely do anything about such feelings (even so much as voicing them) i do hate the fact that they are there. When such little thoughts pop into my head, I find myself fighting them with all my might. One of my biggest fears is of being a jealous person. I guess the question that remains is does having jealous thoughts about anything make someone a jealous person, or is it doing something about them that is the real evil.
In case you cannot tell, my mind is pretty random, and like to jump from subject to subject. I find it fitting that I end my post by saying that one of my kitties (named Lynx) woke me up to show me a dead mole, that he had proudly and nobly vanquished and brought to my doorstep. Lynx, for this act of bravery, you are my hero : )

The End of One Journey Marks the Beginning of Another

So, it would seem to me that the first day of summer is a good time to begin something like this. I figured that I would really enjoy relaxing and not doing much this summer, but it has only been a day, and I am already growing impatient. I miss all of my friends so much already. The unfortunate truth is that I have no real friends here, so most of the next month and a half will be spent alone. I can only look forward to the trip to Rome I will be taking at the end of June. While I will be chaperoning young teens, the chance to see such an amazing place has me pretty excited. In the search for something to do while I am home, I have asked about volunteering at a few places in the area, and hope that they will hold some opportunities for me. Other than that, I have spent the majority of my day searching for new music and staring out the window in my room. The vast landscape reminds me of how small I really am. Compared to the world, with its millions of years of flowing, changing, and growing what could i possibly do that is important? In searching for the answer to this question, I am reminded of all of the graduation speeches I have heard over the last week. The quote that jumps to my mind is as follows... "Honor God, follow Christ, and serve humanity" I have come to the conclusion that this is the way that I should try to spend my time this summer.