The Dilemma

I was very lonely during the summer back home, due to my lack of friends, and everything is so much better now that I am back at home. Despite the fact that I am surrounded by friends, I seem to have no one to hang out with tonight. Sitting in my room on my computer is not my ideal Friday night. Hopefully soon this rare problem will be eliminated my the arrival of my two best friends. I always know I can talk and hang out with them, and they make me feel so much better. Until then, I suppose I will continue to mass text people trying to find something to do. The joys of Spokane!

Love me for who I am, not what I've done

I have come to the conclusion that parents need a bit of a lesson on why they are parents and what that "job" entails. I have seen too many friends struggle to keep close with their parents because their parents don't let them live on their own. There comes a time when parents need to let go. I understand that they have raised us, and taught us and want to protect us because they love us. I feel like often the fear of something bad happening to a child makes parents restrict their children's lives too much. Parents should not be afraid of their children dying, but afraid of them never having lived. Let us live please! Trust that you have taught us well and send us out into the world to make our own mistakes and have our own adventures. I would like to think that my parents would love me unconditionally, and no matter what. I expect the same from every parent. If I commit a crime, will I be welcome in my home? If I have no money or worth, will I still be welcome? I know for me, the answer is yes, but many friends are not in the same lucky boat. It angers me to hear of people who try to control their children through the threat of love. "We wont love you if you..." COME ON! I don't care if you dislike her fiance, or if he had sex, or if he is a genuine ass hole. They are your children, which is the greatest miracle on earth. Love them for it and let them live with your love always.

Inadequacy

The sum of all fears

I cannot shake this feeling

Often ending in tears

It wracks my soul

And feasts on my brain

It consumes my thoughts whole

I feel it through my heart

I reek of discontentment

And it tears me apart

My own inadequacy

Why am I not good enough?

Don't Get Mad, Get Glad!

People get mad. it happens all the time. It happens to everyone, and there is nothing we can do about it. Everyone has bad days, and no one can be happy all the time. I do not understand why when people are mad, or in a bad mood, why it is necessary to be mean to other people. When I am mad, I just get really quiet, and don't talk a lot. I would rather be quiet and polite that loud and rude. The unfortunate thing about people being upset, is that it tends to rub off on others, much like happiness. It really blows when someone is angry, and then someone else gets angry, and pretty soon everyone is yelling at each other and no one knows why. For this reason, I try to be as happy as I can around people who are mad. Sometimes it makes it even worse, but I don't care. I refuse to let someone else control how I feel. When someone makes you mad,they are controlling you by your feelings, and I try hard to not let that happen. Now, I am not saying that I am perfect in any way, because i do get mad, but I rarely take it out on anyone. When I was younger and got mad at my parents, they would continue being happy and eventually I would grow tired of being stubborn and mad and I would cheer up, forget about it, and move on. I try to employ the same tactics on others, hoping to cheer them up with happiness and resilience. I must also say that the day always seems to go by quicker and better when I am positive and happy. As an optimist, finding the bright side is something I am good at. For this reason, I do get a bit irritated when people are pessimistic to the point of feeling sorry for themselves. There comes a point when you must pick yourself up by your bootstraps and move on. I have no sympathy for people who dwell on the past or things that they have no control over. In the spirit of today, I leave you with the following quote "Don't worry, be happy".

Death Comes in Many Ways

In my brief 21 years of experience in the world, I have come to the realization that great and terrible things seem to happen in 3's. About 2 weeks ago my Granddad died, and this has been one of the saddest times of my life. His death has also given me a bit of a new outlook on my life. That was death number one. Today, a baby bird was found outside my house. It was quivering and shaking and clearly in a lot of pain, and had blood on it. My guess is that it had been left there by some predator (a cat, bird, or snake maybe). It was best for use to shoot it and put it out of its misery. i warn you, that if you don't want details, don't read the rest of this paragraph. We shot it in the head with a BB gun. It took the head clean off, and the bird died instantly. The body twitched and struggle for 10 seconds after, I felt terrible afterword.

I know that my Granddad's death and this bird are not related, and cannot really compare them in any way, but I do wonder what will be the third death? I am a bit superstitious, so I have a bit of a feeling that the 3rd death will come. I just hope that it is no one I love and care about.

I have begun to bond with my housemates a little bit this weekend, which has been interesting. One of them likes to play Halo: Reach, so we played through the campaign on Legendary. Another one just likes to sit around and chat, and he and I have had a few conversations. There is still one that I don't like. He seems very immature, and voices many opinions that directly conflict with my moral values. On the plus side, I just have to live with him, I don't have to be friends with him.

I will be going to one of my good friends weddings in a week or two, and i am pretty excited. I will be going in a group of 4 people from work, and it promises to be a fun time. This couple is one of those couples that I am happy to hear is getting married, and I wish the best for them. There are however many people in my grade and age range who are getting married much too soon. Some people get married after only dating for 4 or 7 months (true stories). I just think that while at school, education should be my first priority because that is what I am paying to go there for. Now, that doesn't mean I will not pursue a relationship at school, just that I think marriage should wait until after graduation. It is hard to see friends rush into something and I just hope that they come out okay, and don't ruin a great thing by going too fast. That is very much me though, I like to take it slow in many things, and relationships are no different. From what i have heard from good friends, lasting couples, and family, one of the most important things to a lasting relationship is basing it around friendship. I firmly believe that if I marry my best friend, she and I will work perfectly.

Somehow I went from death to marriage, and I am not quite sure how that happened, but whatever. : )

Random Thoughts From The Mind of Reid

Random thought 1: I have been in Spokane for 4 days now. A lot has happened int hat short amount of time, and yet nothing really significant. I have started working again in the theatre and as an event technician, I have moved into my house for the summer and moved in all of my stuff, and met with many friends in Spokane. I went to see a movie with a friend, went to Dicks for lunch, and have gone to Taco Bell waaaaaay too many times already. I am not sure how, but apparently me being back at work has changed the atmosphere there. It has been said that I brought too much testosterone back into work. Personally, ad the guy who cant really grow facial hair, I don't know what testosterone they are talking about. I spent most of today either running sound for the President of my University, or striking lights and cables from the APs of our theatre. It was a good 95 degrees in Spokane today, so it was really HOT up there in the APs. Something about being 50 feet in the air and looking down to the ground did make me think about what I really want from life.

Random thought 2: I have been telling myself that theatre is what I want from life for so long now, it seems weird to even consider that something else could be a possibility in my life. I did try to think about some other things that I could do with my life, but everything else I like to do I seem to suck at, and everything else I am good at I cant stand doing. Theatre seems to be the only thing that I am good at and enjoy, so that is where I plan on staying. The funny thing is, I actually don't think I am very good at what I do. I just try harder than everyone else, and spend more time and energy getting experience. When it comes to actual talent, I am lacking. In order for me to stay ahead in this world of the theatre, I am going to have to put in way more time and energy to get the same product as more talented people. Fortunately, I believe I have the drive to do so. Experience is easy to come by at a University where I am the only Technical Theatre Major.

Random thought 3: The theme of this next year for me is based of the following question:
"When am I going to be a Senior in college again?"
I am determined to live my life to its fullest for this next year. I have heard too many stories of peoples "could haves" and "would haves" to make the same mistakes. I plan on ending my life with as little regrets as possible, and that starts here and now. I actually have no idea why I started typing this, but the more I type it the more convinced I am that it is true.

Random thought 4: During the Alumni Dinner that I ran sound and tech for tonight, the President of the University announced and talked about his new plans for the school in the future, and the slogan that would take us there. The slogan is "Courage at the Crossroads". The entire dinner he talked about some of the many different ways in which that slogan could be interpreted. His belief was that the crossroads was where the streets of  being an academic university and a religious institution met. Nothing was ever really said about why courage was needed at said crossroads. I am going to take a spin on this myself. The way I see it, the crossroad could represent many things in my life right now, but the real point is the courage. The courage is what is needed to walk in the middle of the street. Most of my experience in life has taught me that nothing is in black and white. On one each side of each crossroad in life is an extreme choice. One must find the courage to walk in the street between these extremes. This takes courage in 3 ways, the first of whcih is the courage to get off the sidewalk. The second is the courage to stay in the street. Walking in the middle of the street and away from the sidewalk means sometimes being alone. One must maintain faith that though they appear alone, they are doing what is right for them. The third courage is to get back up. there are many cars on the road of life, and you cannot avoid them all. I have been hit by a few "cars" in my life, and the most important part of walking in the middle of the street of life is to have the courage to get back up and keep walking.

A final note:
Much of what I have written may make absolutely no sense, and if that is the case, please just ignore it. I am not the best writer (Theatre Major... lol) and sometimes struggle to get my thoughts out on paper or screen. Thanks for our patience : )

I'll Be Coming Home Just to Be Alone

The past few days have been very busy and emotionally taxing. My Granddad died about a week ago, and I had the rosary service, the funeral mass, and the burial to go to. All of these things were quite a ways from my house, so motion sickness has been rampant in my body for the past couple days. While I selfishly mourn for my own loss at the death of my Granddad, I cant help but be happy for the life he lived, and the glorious place where he is now. My only regret is not spending more time with him, which, is partially my fault. there is too much family drama to get into on a blog, but my family did not see my Grandma and Granddad enough for the past... 10-15 years. I cried today at the Veterans Cemetery where he was buried. The military funeral, gun salute, and taps were just a bit too much for me. Shortly after the burial I drove home, and quickly packed and left for my flight back to Spokane. On the way, I found myself considering Spokane my "home" and not my place of birth and childhood. Most of the things (besides my parents) that mean something to me are in Spokane. My job, my friends, my school, and most of my important memories to define me. My family took me to the airport, and I was in a hurry to leave.  I am afraid that my rush to leave may have come across as anger at them, which is not the case. While my family did annoy me greatly these past few months, I am most certainly not upset at them in any way. I am so glad that I am here now, and while being in my hometown was nice, I was going a little crazy of loneliness. I start work on Monday, and hope to see many friends soon. I just feel more appreciated, understood, and loved here than anywhere else. I can tell that this is where I belong right now. The sad part is, the one person I want to see is not here right now, so in a way, I am still alone. I look forward to their arrival to Spokane with much anticipation. 

My new house is pretty cool. Most of the guys living here I have met before at  one time or another. This is my first time living off campus so it is a bit new for me. My room is all set up, and I am enjoying the independence being here has already brought. I suppose this will be one of those "growing up" experiences that everyone is supposed to have in their college days. 

A random assortment of stories

I have had a busy last week since getting back from Rome. the day I got back, I went to visit my Granddad in a hospice, where he was moved while I was in Rome. I said my goodbyes, and so did the family, and he passed away 3 hours later. Throughout my life, I have always been aware that death is around me, but I have never seen it this close. It is comforting to know that he lived a good life, and I am sure I will see him in heaven. While in the hospice, I found it hard to look at my Granddad. It hurts to see someone you love in such a poor and helpless state. Just looking at him brought me to tears. I prefer to remember him for the good times we had while he was alive.  I have a funeral to go to in the next few days, and have been asked to be one of the casket bearers. I have begun to wonder why it is we feel the need to mourn the dead at all. They are gone, and it seems to me that the whole morning process is a bit selfish. All everyone is worried about is how much they miss the person who died and how it will effect them. Not many people think about celebrating the deceased persons life, and that they cannot feel or think anymore, so any pain they had is gone. I like to think of death and the journey that follows as a permanent vacation from the pains and sorrows of life.

I went to my families cabin at Birch Bay for the past 4 days to celebrate the 4th of July. it is one of the most relaxing places I know. The cabin is literally 25 feet from the water, and I could sit on the beach all day and be happy. When the tide goes out sometimes you can walk for miles into the bay. Birch bay at any time of the year is fantastic... Birch bay on the 4th... OMG! The entire bay is full of fireworks, bonfires, and people from dark until 2 or 3 in the morning. We always go to the Indian reservation and buy some fireworks and sit on the beach setting them off all night and watching as the entire bay gives a spectacular show the entire night. Birch Bay is better than any professional show I have ever seen on the 4th, and I would not give it up for anything.

On another random note, In Birch Bay, I was visited by a stray cat. He stayed in our cabin the entire 4 days, and even killed a bird and brought it to us. It was really hot and he would just lay around and look cute all day. I wish I could have taken him home with me. I seem to have a knack for finding cats... which I am okay with cause I love them!

I will be leaving to go back to Spokane for work in just a few days, and am looking forward to being around many of my friends. Unfortunately my 2 best friends will still be miles away. I cant wait to see them whenever that is : )

Rome, Day 6

Today is my last day in Italy. We moved out of our hotel in Sorento in the morning and went to Mt. Vesuvius. I climbed to the top with the rest of the group, and the view from the top was stunning. We got back to the buss and went to an old Benedictine monastery called Monte Casino. It was really amazing, and there were some gorgeous statues and paintings there. We also got to sit in on a service of the monks, where they were practicing the traditional old Gregorian chants in Latin. After this we went back to the bus and went to our last hotel which is on the top ridge of a caldera lake. This view was the best on of the whole trip. Our tour guide said that the pope has a summer home up here. It is currently midnight, and I am exhausted. We leave in the morning at 3... this trip has been full of amazing things and I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to come. Goodnight from Rome for the last time.

Rome, Day 5

I started today off by going on a boat to the beautiful island of Capri. Once we were on the boat I got sea sick, but I managed to hold it together until we got there. Once we were on the island, we took another, smaller boat on a tour around the island, seeing the grotto's and the many huge and rich mansions of the rich and famous. After we returned to dry land (thank God) we took a tram called the "Fanicular" (I probably misspelled that) up to the top of the island. This is where all the rich people go... the place where the town square includes Gucci, Prada, and many other expensive shops that I dared not walk into. We looked at some amazing gardens and views from up there and then saw the mansion that Jacqueline Kennedy lived in. Lunch was great (I had swordfish) and then we took the tram back down to the base of the island. We had 2 hours of free time, so I chaperoned the kids as they went swimming in the Med. We took a ferry back to the island, which was a lot bigger so I did not get sea sick. Then we went to see a local wood insetting company, and got to see how they do their job which was pretty cool.  I wish I was that good with wood (stop it right now!). Dinner at the hotel was great, and I am going to bed early because I am so tired and still a little sea sick.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a charlie-horse in my leg and it kept me up for a while. We also had an issue today where some kids tried to "dine and dash" and make us pay for their lunch. People from Texas are giving us a lot of problems on this tour.