I will just say it, I am an insecure person in many ways. For some reason I always find myself wondering and caring about what other people think of what and why I don things. I know that it is foolish, and hear the voice in my head saying to be myself. I still cannot escape the desire to be accepted. I am well aware of the fact that I will be better accepted when I have the confidence to be myself, but I still have difficulty with it sometimes. The funny thing is, I HATE the idea of not being myself so much, that when I have these thoughts, I act out to the extreme, doing whatever I want or sometimes whatever other people don't want. It is in these moments when I wonder what the hell I am doing. The struggle for me to figure out who I am rages on every day, and every time I make progress, I manage to fall behind in something else.
One of the things I have figured out about myself is that I want to be a nice guy... I want to be the guy everyone likes and wants to hang out with. Yea, everyone has bad days, and bad moods, but for the most part I feel like a do a pretty good job being nice. Today at work I found myself wondering if I really am liked at all. Maybe I am that guy who everyone pretends to like when he is around but really hates. One of my biggest fears is being hated by the people I love, so this thought cut me to the core. I quickly reflected on my actions of the past few months. I crack jokes (many inappropriate) at people, I complain too much, I get in bad moods, I hold grudges too long, and I of course have been rude to people. Maybe I just need to try more...
Sometime tonight, just before deciding to write this post, I was thinking about how it is that I can be nicer, more polite, happier, and more liked by other people. During this little thought process, I came upon the idea of the second self. Yes, I have a second me, a twin in some ways. There is a me in my head and my heart which idealizes everything that I want to be. When I have trouble making decisions about what to do, often I ask myself "what would the man I want to be do"? I think the real thing that should drive me is not what other people think of me, but what I think of me. The second self I have created is the person I want to be, so I hope to continue making decisions on his behalf in hopes that one day he and I will be the same person.
Clearly I am not perfect and I am aware of it. The best I can do is to continue to work on and improve myself into the man I want to be. This is a task that will never be complete, but I hope will get easier every day. Tomorrow I will wake up a little more the me I want to be. It would seem that once again self reflecting due to personal insecurity has brought me to a better place. Maybe my insecurity is a good thing...
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