A Land of Confusion

I dont know how to describe how I am feeling except for confused. Every part of my body seems to be telling me something different. My head is confused, by soul is confused, and my heart is also confused. I feel sick... I keep trying to forget about everything and just be calm for a second but every time I try I fail. My heart wont slow down. I am so stressed and I want to sleep but cant. When I do, bad dreams plague my mind, and most of the time I just lay there, thinking and racing, confused. Some old feelings and thoughts about things long forgotten were unearthed yesterday. It felt good to get them off my chest, but I had them buried for so long that I seem to be dealing with them now. To the 4 people who read this, I need a hug.

Cupid Has Done It Again

There are often events in life which we think will be amazing, and turn out to be not so great. People tend to expect too much and then get a rude awakening when they experience the real thing. On a rare occasion, the opposite happens. I have spent all summer waiting in anticipation of the arrival of one person in my back into my life. I have waited so long that I built it up in my mind to be such a tremendous and amazing event. It turned out to be even better. The feelings I felt tonight have given my soul wings and I am flying. While the events which occurred tonight with this person were seemingly boring, just being with them was more than enough. As I sit here in my room, my heart is still pounding and I am still trying to catch my breath. I cannot help but to look forward to the upcoming year and the good times it will bring. I am confident that things will only get better from here.

Your Heaven is Trying Everything to Keep Me Down

Did you ever feel as thought the whole universe was conspiring against you? I am having one of those weeks. Unfortunately the thing it is about is something I am not will to put on a blog, but I will say that its fucking aggravating! Every time the universe tells me I can't do something I say "Fuck off universe! This is my life, and I do what I want" and then I fight it. I am determined to have my life go the way I intend it to. There is however a small problem. There is a small part of me that thinks that "the universe" is God trying to tell me what he wants, or doesn't want for my life. I really don't want to fight God, cause he will win for sure. I am struggling to find the difference between fighting for what I want, and where my life seems to want to go. For the time being, I am resolved to pray about it and continue fighting for myself and what I want.

Kick Start My Heart

I spent this weekend being awesome... as I went to a Motley Crue concert! It was amazing! I have a few stories from the concert which I would like to share with you. Lets do a little background information first though. One of my best friends came over for the concert, and he and our friend road tripped over to Tacoma on Friday night. I drove about half of the way, and the ride was a bit boring, but not bad. We got there, and played frisbee for a little at a local park. There appeared to be a birthday party for a little boy set up by EVERY Samoan in the area. I witnessed these Samoans selling cigarettes to under age students from the local high school or junior high. These students all had a very unique look going on. No shirt, baggy pants, boxers showing, backwards hat, not posture, and a foul mouth. Kids these days...

We then proceeded to the concert The opening band was not so great in my opinion. Not much to say about them. The next band to play was Poison. They were really good, and I enjoyed singing along to many of the songs and the effects were so cool! During the parts of the concert where the bands were changing on stage, they had a projector screen which showed texts people had sent in to the concert. We got a message on it that said "Reid and his 2 friends love Motley Crue" which was cool to see. There was also this girl named Desire who kept texting over the screen about how much she would do... sexual things to members of the band. She texted them so much that other people in the audience started to text things like "I am Desire and I am a whore". lol That was funny.She also kept asking Tommy Lee to take her on his Drum roller Coaster. When the time came for him to make a choice, he picked a really old looking man with a beard named Bob. That was probably the happiest moment of his life, as he went on stage with Tommy Lee and rode on the drum set with him.

Motley Crue was fantastic! They had so much bang and cool effects, loud noises, and better music (in my opinion). One of the songs they played, called "Girls Girls Girls" had pictures of women on the back screen the entire time. At one point, one of the pictures on the screen was Justin Bieber.... ROFL. There were crazy people all over the place, and the people were almost as much fun to watch as the concert itself.After the concert I went to sleep in a tent outside my friends house, and drove back this morning to Spokane. My good friend is now gone until the school year (he will be one of my roommates) and I am sad to see him leave.

On a brighter note, I have now contracted concert fever, and am looking at many different shows in my area to go to cause that was so much fun. Im thinking Uproar will be good this year.. Hrmmm, metal concert? Yes Please!

Lay Your Head On My Pillow

Dreams are a weird thing. Dreams are often so real that we don't realize we are dreaming until we wake up. Some dreams are good, and some are bad. Some people can control their dreams, and are self aware during dreams, and others are not. Most of my life I have wished that I was able to be in control of my dreams while they were happening. When I dream, I feel very much not in control of my "life" (or dream as it were). When I was younger, I had a reoccurring nightmare about the bad guy from the movie "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang". You know... the guy with the really long nose? Yup, that one. I used to dream that he was in my room while I was going to bed, and then my parents would come in to say goodnight, and look right at him. He was invisible to everyone but me, so they just turned and closed the door on their way out. This left me alone with the long nosed dude. I always woke up with him approaching me, and nothing bad ever happened. I was however always terrified when I woke up, and still will not watch that movie for fear of him bringing back the same feelings of terror. 

I haven't had one of those nightmares in a long time, but I have been having a different type of bad dream. For a few months now, I have been having great dreams with friends and people that matter to me. In these dreams I have a lot of fun, do amazing things, and everything seems to go perfectly. The worst part of these dreams, is waking up. Something about having a dream where everything goes just the way I want it to, and then realizing when I wake up that absolutely nothing has happened is a bit sad. 

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If I could, I would never sleep, and just keep living my life straight on through till the end. Sleep seems to me to be a waste of time. I know my body needs it, but what if i didn't? Imagine all the things we could get done with that much more time every day! My philosophy used to be "I can sleep when I am dead", and I would stay up late every night until I fell asleep due to exhaustion. 

Heading to the chapel and....

This weekend I had the privilege of going to the wedding of two mutual friends. The ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was fantastic fun! Of course I got my dance on at the reception (terribly) and the whole weekend was a blast. One of the strangest things to happen at this wedding, came in the form of a little 14 year old girl. We first saw her at the ceremony. She was sitting in front of us, and asked us if we were excited. We said we were, and she followed up by saying that she was a neighbor of the bride, and was "basically adopted because the bride loved her so much". Later in the evening we asked the bride about it, and she had only met her that day... apparently she was the neighbor of one of the brides aunts.... LOL. What a little liar we have here. Later that night, at the reception, a friend of mine and I were dancing on the floor, being awesome, and she came up to him and started dancing with him (grinding is more like it... and she was wearing clothing not fitting for a 14 year old, you can image the rest). He pushed her away as soon as he noticed, and she said "are you married?" He said no, and she said "will you date me?" My friend was a bit taken aback, but managed to spit out the word "no". She left the dance floor, and I thought that would be the end of it. In the food line about 20 min later, she ran by me and said "get the fuck out of my way". This little girl was turning out to be quite rude, immature, and troublesome. I just said "excuse me" and tried to forget about it. Finally, on the dance floor at the end of the night, she came up to me and tried to dance with me. I kept moving away, and she eventually asked me if I was married too. As if me not wearing a ring was not a good enough answer, I said "no, but I am taken. Bye". She seemed very upset, and ran off again. I just have one thing to say about this little girl... WTF? What was she thinking? This to me is a clear example of a problem I see too much. It is called "where are your parents" syndrome. All night I never once saw this girls parents. If this is any indication of their parenting techniques, its no wonder she is so messed up. Clearly lying for attention, and my guess is asking my friend and I out was for attention too. Parents, spend time with your kids!

On a side note, one guy wore jeans with holes in them, a wife beater, open short sleeve button up green shirt, and a belt that said "fuck off" on it to the wedding and reception. Also... WTF?

Does Insecurity Make Me Stronger?

I will just say it, I am an insecure person in many ways. For some reason I always find myself wondering and caring about what other people think of what and why I don things. I know that it is foolish, and hear the voice in my head saying to be myself. I still cannot escape the desire to be accepted. I am well aware of the fact that I will be better accepted when I have the confidence to be myself, but I still have difficulty with it sometimes. The funny thing is, I HATE the idea of not being myself so much, that when I have these thoughts, I act out to the extreme, doing whatever I want or sometimes whatever other people don't want. It is in these moments when I wonder what the hell I am doing. The struggle for me to figure out who I am rages on every day, and every time I make progress, I manage to fall behind in something else.

One of the things I have figured out about myself is that I want to be a nice guy... I want to be the guy everyone likes and wants to hang out with. Yea, everyone has bad days, and bad moods, but for the most part I feel like a do a pretty good job being nice. Today at work I found myself wondering if I really am liked at all. Maybe I am that guy who everyone pretends to like when he is around but really hates. One of my biggest fears is being hated by the people I love, so this thought cut me to the core. I quickly reflected on my actions of the past few months. I crack jokes  (many inappropriate) at people, I complain too much, I get in bad moods, I hold grudges too long, and I of course have been rude to people. Maybe I just need to try more...

Sometime tonight, just before deciding to write this post, I was thinking about how it is that I can be nicer, more polite, happier, and more liked by other people.  During this little thought process, I came upon the idea of the second self. Yes, I have a second me, a twin in some ways. There is a me in my head and my heart which idealizes everything that I want to be. When I have trouble making decisions about what to do, often I ask myself "what would the man I want to be do"? I think the real thing that should drive me is not what other people think of me, but what I think of me. The second self I have created is the person I want to be, so I hope to continue making decisions on his behalf in hopes that one day he and I will be the same person.

Clearly I am not perfect and I am aware of it. The best I can do is to continue to work on and improve myself into the man I want to be. This is a task that will never be complete, but I hope will get easier every day. Tomorrow I will wake up a little more the me I want to be. It would seem that once again self reflecting due to personal insecurity has brought me to a better place. Maybe my insecurity is a good thing...