So, I think I will start off by saying that life in Denver is still pretty good. It has its rough patches, but not too bad. The topid of this blog is more for me than for you so read on if you want, but don't feel obligated. I think I just need a way to get these thoughts in my head out in the open after all the crap that has happened to me with my "friends" this week.
Over the past few weeks, a few moments stand out in my head. A "friend" told me to go have a nice life, over one of the stupidist arguments I have ever heard... Another told me that I dont bring anything to their friendship, and then stopped talking to me, and yet a third just told me that I wasn't worth the time or energy it took to keep our friendship going. While seperately these events seem like just random bad friends who I now dont have to worry about, together they pose an interesting question in my head. Is it me? Am I the problem? What is it that I do wrong that is making all of my friends not want to be my friends? And how many more people feel this way about me and have simply said nothing?
Before I can answer these questions, my mnd goes on a trail of ther thoughts, one of which I will elaborate on. I am a nonconfrontational person. I hate conflict.In rare cases, when something is extremely important to me, I will confornt someone or stand up for myself or someone else, but usually I just concede and let people sort of ... walk all over me in the process. I know it sounds pretty bad, but its really not. I just would rather sped my energy on more important things in my life than fighting over things I care little about. Here is where the dots connect. In EVERY relationship I have had, when I get to the point where I actually care about something enough to stand up for my opinion, I get shot down. And not in some weird logical sort of way... but with the following argument.
"well if you believe (or think, or say, or want) that, then maybe we shouldnt date anymore"
WTF people! That is so not fair! Every time I stand up for what I wat or what I believe or care about, people make me choose between the relationship, and my own beliefs... unfortunately, I seem to always make the mistake of conceding my opinion, and keeping the relationship... further reinforcing my conciousness's belief that conflict is bad because I will never win. As my life has progressed, I have become less and less willing to have these moments where I stand up for myself because when I do I am forced to concede or give up my relationship.
After moving to Denver, I have tried to take a new stance of standing up for myself... but alass it has only furthered my current view of myself. Every time I have tried to stand up to a friend for myself or something I believe in, they have decided to no longer be my friend. It would seem that I cannot find anyone who is simply okay with either being wrong once and a while, or with agreeing to disagree. This has caused me to ponder the following question: is it worth me standing up for myself if every time I do I lose a friend or loved one?I dont even know the answer to this question myself yet. The idealist in me says, yes, I should always stand up for myself, but the realist in me simply retorts that if that were to be true, then I would have no friends because every time I have done so, I have lost someone.
Anyway, I don't need a flood of messages telling me that your a true friend, or anything like that. I really dont. I just wish I could feel like I didnt have to let people walk over me to be accepted and appreciated. Just reding that aloud to myself sounds terrible but it's kind of true. If you for some reason feel the need to tell me that this isnt true with you, dont message me. Just show me that I am wrong next time we talk.
Anyway, what a depressing blog. Denver is good. I am good. No girlfriend yet. Still paying off loans with all of my money. Still working my ass of and loving every minute of it. Thanks for readin this depressing stream of conciousness and despite its subject matter, I am fairly happy here :)
