I Wish Everyone Was Loved Tonight...

Have you ever been insulted by someone whom you love? A good friend?Best perhaps? Family? Husband or wife? I know many people just say to not take things like that personally, but after the insult is repeated over and over, I can't help but take offense. Being a non-confrontational person, I of course elect to keep my feelings to myself (and apparently this blog). Having stood up for myself before and failed, I have found that the best solution for me is to simply wait out the storm and try to forget about it when it has passed. The difference comes when someone I love and care about, begins to insult other people I love and care about. I can sit by and do nothing when insulted, but I will not sit by while the same happens to others. I am so tired of being misunderstood and ridiculed by my family for things that they clearly do not posses the capacity to understand. I just wish everyone could just be loving towards each other and learn to accept people for whoever they are. The most interesting and nicest people I know are in fact the strangest and weirdest people I know. I suppose I have learned a little about myself today, in that I may not stand up for myself often, but standing up for others is something I can and will continue to do.

All the World's Indeed a Stage, And We Are Merely Players

I was reminded today why I love working and being a part of the theatre. I attended a "sneak peak preview" for the upcoming season of a local community theatre. The event was basically a bunch of little snippets of the different shows that will be in the next season. Some musical numbers, some acting scenes, an improve troupe, and even some opera! The night was a blast, despite the fact that I did not know anyone there, and just sat in the back enjoying all the good music, acting, and funny jokes. Theatre people just get me, and I love to be around them no matter what the situation. I am so glad that I have this as part of my life.

This Night is a Perfect Shade of Dark Blue

Today was my first day volunteering at a local community theatre. I put in about 5 hours of set building work, and worked hard. I am always a little nervous going somewhere new and learning how they like to do things, but it went pretty well. I have been in a great mood all day, simply due to the fact that I no longer have nothing to do. Yes, the work I am doing is volunteer, but I still feel very much like I have a job. Going to work every day, and putting my nose to the grindstone making sets, cutting wood, and creating something out of nothing is very rewarding for me. I am still looking forward to going back to Spokane in a month for my actual paid job, but for now, this suits me just fine. The feeling of the day is contentment.

Understanding

So, did you ever just think about the world, the role you play in it, how vast the universe is, and how you are not the only one thinking? I sometimes have these thoughts, and then my mind wanders to places I cannot recall. There is often a point in this thought process, where I feel as though I understand everything. It is the weirdest sensation I have ever felt. It is a feeling of pure joy, understanding, relaxation, and carefree-nes. I still feel as though I have not really described this amazing feeling. Whenever it happens, it lasts only for a split second, and then vanishes. I wish I could feel that way forever. I sometimes think that I am glimpsing heaven, or some sort of divine spark from God. I am actually curious as to weather or not anyone has any idea as to what I am talking about. Maybe its just me, but either way, it happened today and I figured I'd say something about it.

I Give it All, Now There's a Reason, There's a Reason, to Give it All

Today I attended a graduation party with many people. I have never been more acutely aware of how important the people you know are in life, and not what you can do. Throughout my life I have always tried to be the hardest worker I can be, and do my best work. I find it slightly sad that that is no longer what drives the world. At this graduation party, most of the talk done by everyone was of this person or that person who someone knew, and had a lot of money. Most of the graduation gifts were simply money given by rich people that so and so had met, or talked with. There were no stories of hard work, just of networking. As a very unsocial person, who has a hard time meeting and talking with people, this is very troubling for me. I am beginning to wonder if it is even possible for me to make it in this social networking world. Throughout this entire graduation party, I did try to talk to people on multiple occasions, most of which ended in the same way. After being ignored so many times, one begins to just stop trying to communicate. I may be old fashioned, but I wish that it was what you could do and your experience that mattered most, not just who you know.

I Don't Need Boxes Wrapped in Strings and Designer Love and Empty Things

As the days of summer stretch out and mold together into what seems to be one very short adventure, I am beginning to find things to spend my time with that are at least of some value. I was offered a temporary 1 day job at a local company, have made good progress on some of my hobbies, and am preparing for the trip to Rome in a little more than a month. Somewhere in the back of my mind is the fact that my birthday is approaching. I always seem to forget about it until its right on top of me. Of all the concerns that one should have about a birthday, the biggest one for me is simply "what am I going to do". This will be my 21st birthday, and I have no desire to spend it going out to bars and getting wasted. I will probably be forced by friends or family to go to a bar or two, but I can guess that they will all get drunk and I will end up the only sober one there.One thing I do look forward to is that after my birthday, I will be able to go to bars with friends and family, not for the sake of drinking, but just to be with them. i am tired of being the young one who isn't old enough yet. On the bright side, going to bars with my brother will be a great way to pass the time this summer, and I am sure he will entertain me quite well. My parents keep asking me what I want for my birthday, and I must confess, I don't really want much.  I guess I have just gotten to the point where giving other people gifts seems more enjoyable to me than receiving them. I am not quite sure when this happened, but I do know that I have been of this mindset for at least the past few years. Now, maybe this is just me, but I love to see people get excited or happy when they open a gift from me. It makes me feel so good and appreciated. Maybe even validated in a way. I suppose this joy of giving goes deeper in my life than just birthdays and Christmas. When I think about why I enjoy working backstage in theatre, I must confess the main drive is seeing how my actions benefit others. In a way, my work is a needed gift that can help an actor, director, or the audience to better understand the message portrayed by a show. There are others in this world, who do not share my joy of giving, and for them I am truly sorry. I don't believe that they know what they are missing.

In My Own Riptide The Water Is Fine

What a good day it has been today. I slept in way too long, went to get new shoes cause mine are falling apart, and went to see a children's theatre production of Ann of Green Gables. I find any excuse to go see any form of theatre, weather it be non profit, professional, community, or whatever. I just loving being a part of and seeing theatre, no matter how it presents itself. My parents are always struggling to spend more time with my brother and I. I went to get shoes with my father, which meant a lot to him, and went to the show with my mom. She was absolutely thrilled. I find it interesting how I have grown apart from my family as I have gotten older. It is not like I don't care about them, because I love them all dearly, but the older I get the more I seem to tire of them. I think it is just many little things adding up that somehow annoy me or wear me down. Due to the fact that I love them all so much, I will continue to spend as much time with them as I can, and hope that I get over it. I think that maybe part of it is just me, growing as a person. While at college, I have grown and changed a lot. These changes are new to my parents, and I feel as though the "new" me is somehow not welcome home.
I also received a very uplifting email today on Facebook. One of my old friends who I no longer talk to thanked me for helping her to get over her depression problems. During the times when we were close, she tried to lighten her load and tell me about her current problems with depression and how she had bad thoughts about herself. My first response was something like "oh! You are awesome" thinking that it would solve everything. After a few minutes, I realized that it was a serious issue, and for the next few weeks, I pushed her to seek real professional help. I didn't hear much from her after that, but after receiving the email, it is clear to me that she did, and for that I thank the Lord. I am not sure what part I have played in her life, but I am glad to know that I helped make it better, and it is nice to be acknowledged for that.
I head to bed tonight with absolutely nothing to do tomorrow. I can only hope that tomorrow is as fufilling a day as today has been .

Jealousy, Turning Saints Into the Sea...

For the most part, today has been a pretty uneventful day. I will admit, yes I went to the store for shampoo, and yes I sent out even more emails with my resume for summer volunteer work, but the only real notable thing that has happened thus far is my decision to begin making models again. I have been staring at the 20 or so unfinished models on my desk, and figure I might as well do something productive with my free time. Many people have asked me over the years why it is that I paint models, since I choose just to display them. The simple answer is that I find it relaxing. I don't think I am very good at it, but making something from scratch into my own little creating is somehow fun for me. I hope to add a few finished models to the shelf on my desk dedicated to them. Unfortunately, working on models bring up a whole new set of problems (which could be good as at least they will give me something to do). Most of my paints are dry, by brushes are hard as rocks, and my glue has all dried in the tube. Sounds like another run to the store is in line.
On a different note, over the course of the day I have realized something about myself. I am a jealous man. While most people think of jealousy as a romantic thing, I can be pretty jealous in many aspects of my life. Friends, belongings, yes loved ones too if I have them, and even sometimes of small little insignificant things such as attention. While I rarely do anything about such feelings (even so much as voicing them) i do hate the fact that they are there. When such little thoughts pop into my head, I find myself fighting them with all my might. One of my biggest fears is of being a jealous person. I guess the question that remains is does having jealous thoughts about anything make someone a jealous person, or is it doing something about them that is the real evil.
In case you cannot tell, my mind is pretty random, and like to jump from subject to subject. I find it fitting that I end my post by saying that one of my kitties (named Lynx) woke me up to show me a dead mole, that he had proudly and nobly vanquished and brought to my doorstep. Lynx, for this act of bravery, you are my hero : )

The End of One Journey Marks the Beginning of Another

So, it would seem to me that the first day of summer is a good time to begin something like this. I figured that I would really enjoy relaxing and not doing much this summer, but it has only been a day, and I am already growing impatient. I miss all of my friends so much already. The unfortunate truth is that I have no real friends here, so most of the next month and a half will be spent alone. I can only look forward to the trip to Rome I will be taking at the end of June. While I will be chaperoning young teens, the chance to see such an amazing place has me pretty excited. In the search for something to do while I am home, I have asked about volunteering at a few places in the area, and hope that they will hold some opportunities for me. Other than that, I have spent the majority of my day searching for new music and staring out the window in my room. The vast landscape reminds me of how small I really am. Compared to the world, with its millions of years of flowing, changing, and growing what could i possibly do that is important? In searching for the answer to this question, I am reminded of all of the graduation speeches I have heard over the last week. The quote that jumps to my mind is as follows... "Honor God, follow Christ, and serve humanity" I have come to the conclusion that this is the way that I should try to spend my time this summer.