What is the point?

It seems like everyone and everything is crumbling around me. So many of my friends and people I went to school with have died in the past few years, and the idea of death is really beginning to sink in. I always try to remind myself that I am going to die someday no matter what I do in this life and its very hard to wrap my head around. I sat awake for hours the other night because I couldn't stop thinking about how I am not the only person who thinks, and there have been millions before me and will be millions after me. How am I important at all? What does it matter what I do? I will not go down in any history books, I will not make any huge innovations to change the world. I am just another guy, searching for nothing. I feel incredibly alone and helpless. At the same time, there is some hope. While many people scoff at religion, it at least gives my life some focus. Following God, loving everyone, and living to serve him at least seems like a good use of my time. If I cant do anything useful in my life, the least I can do is love others and help them to do the really important things. When I die, I doubt I will be remembered, I am just another one in millions of millions of people. Even if I am, what good does being remembered do? When the people who remember me die, what happens then? Will I be flying in the clouds with my friends and relatives having a blast when i die? Will everything just go black and then, nothing? The thing that scares me more than death is the idea that nothing happens after death. There needs to be something after. Someplace where I matter.

The Final Countdown

Well, all is as I expected it would be this break. Christmas has been great, and I have enjoyed spending time with my family but I still am missing way more than I am enjoying. I find myself thinking about others all day and how much I would rather be spending time with them, even it it was doing homework. The simple fact is, I was hoping to get away from some of the drama of school by coming home and relaxing over break, but that was not to be as my own family drama far outweighs that of the school. I just feel trapped by my life right now, and all the problems that are popping up in it are driving me up a wall. I long for the good old days of no worries except for what game I was going to play at recess. One more semester to go and I am out of here for good. One semester of fun and homework and friends and then I am in the real world. The world of a job, and house payments, and getting a car, and feeding myself. The world of responsibility is something that I don't quite feel ready for yet. I have also come to the realization that this will be my last trip home in God only knows how long. After this I have a few breaks, but all of them I am planning on spending elsewhere. After graduation I plan on going wherever I can find work, so this may be my last chance to be home with my family in a long time. Wouldn't it be great if that last time was full of great memories and no family drama?

I feel as though I must again say, that I am homesick here at home. I long to be at my real home, where the people I love are. I miss one person a lot more than everyone else, and every day I am without her makes my heart hurt a little more. I cannot wait until I get to see her again and think about it all the time. I just hope she knows how important she is to me and how much I love her.

Always waiting for something better

As I finished my last day in Spokane before break, I have begun thinking about what exactly it is that I am going home to. Yes, my family is home... that's pretty much it for me. I love my family so much, each and every one of them. I feel as though there should be something else waiting for me at home. Leaving school is a sad day for me, as I leave my job, my friends, the people I love and care about, my comfort, and even my independence. Something about going home and being treated like a little kid just doesn't sound appealing to me. I enjoy the freedom of being my own adult person at school, and I don't want to leave that for break.  I am afraid that this break will be yet another one of sitting at my computer typing about what I wish I was doing, as I only really have 1 or 2 friends back home and I can't expect to hang out with them all the time. Its an interesting thing how school works.... I spend all year looking forward to breaks, and all breaks looking forward to going back. It would seem that I am never satisfied. I am going to make sure I enjoy my last semester at University, but I am really scared about what will come after. Where will I get a job? Will I get a Job? Where will I live? With whom? How the hell am I going to pay off all my debt? Will I stay in contact with the great people I met here, and will they do the same? So many questions to answer.  I suppose I am just scared of the changes that graduating will bring. All I can say is that I hope my friends and family will be there with me every step of the way, because in the end, they are all I have got.

Its Funny What A Little Time Can Do...

It has been a long time since I have been home, and it seems like just yesterday that I was bored out of my mind there and ready to run off to Spokane and be free! The truth is, it has really been about 5 months, and I am starting to miss things. Yes, I am always bored when I am home, but something about being bored and being able to relax (or maybe its just the lack of stress) just sounds really good right about now. I will be going home for Thanksgiving Break this year, and am really looking forward to it. I am excited to see and spend time with my family and my little kitties. We have so many traditions to take part in, like hanging up Christmas lights on Thanksgiving weekend with my Dad, making cookies and baked goods with my Mom, or fooling around with my Brother. Just the thought of a home cooked meal is driving me crazy right now. Along with the joy of seeing my family again, comes the joy of showing my home to someone else I care about greatly. My amazing girlfriend (that's putting it lightly) is coming home with me, and I am stoked to show her my home town, and the place where I grew up and became the man I am today. I will be carpooling over with a friend, and am looking forward to spending some time with them on the car ride over and back. 

Part of the reason why I am looking forward to this break so much is because of how stressful this year has been already. I am taking some of my most intense classes this semester, and on top of that I am in our schools Improv Team and had my senior project to do (which I finished today). I guess at this point my body just wants a chance to not stress out, be home, live in the familiar, and SLEEEEP. I have not slept in in a long time, and I think it is starting to show. 

Everything is A Okay!

So, i know it has been a long time since I have blogged.... I have been very busy with school, theatre, work, friends, and the most amazing girl I have ever met. To make this as brief as possible, I am doing fantastic. Anything that could possibly bug me is far out-shadowed by the good times I am having with the people I love. Senior year so far... Best Year Ever! 

The greatest thing You'll ever learn....

One of my biggest fears in the world is the fear of not being loved by the people I care about the most. Over the past few weeks, I this fear has been pretty much wiped off my mind because of some very amazing people. Something about knowing that someone else care about you... likes you just the way you are.... and wants to spend their time with you just makes my life feel so much better. I am currently on an emotional high, and I am planning on staying here for a long time. I can be a very loving person, and the people that I love I would do ANYTHING for. Absolutely anything. Usually this makes me feel uneasy and vulnerable, but now it feels warranted. I have been praying a lot lately about where my life is supposed to go, what I want, and what is meant for me. It would seem that all of them point in the same direction, and my life has aligned and everything feels right. It is a great feeling. To my best friends, family, and my special someone.... I love you! Thank you for being in my life, and I appreciate you for who you are. 

"The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn, is Just to Love and Be Loved in Return" 

What is it about her

I have recently been reminded of the senior project I worked on a few years ago. It is one of the best experiences in my technical career thus far, and a certain song comes to mind. This song somehow touches me very deeply, and here are some of the lyrics. The song is called What is it about her.


This woman makes me cry
This woman makes me burn
This woman's eye can cut me to the core
This woman builds me up
This woman tears me down
This woman speaks and I can break apart
Could I live without her
And let her go?
How loud must I scream
No!