Goals vs Personal Actions

Heeeeeeey everyone! It has been... too many months since I have had either the time to post anything on here, or anything interesting to say. I suppose now is the time :P  To catch some of you up on my life, I am now a freelance carpenter/electrician at many theatres in the Denver Area. While its hard work I am enjoying it very much.

Throughout the course of my life, I have set many :goals" for myself, and striven for them. Some I achieved and rejoiced, while others I am still working towards.  At a recent closing night party, I was talking with a good friend about goals, and she departed some amazing advice to me that I wish to share with you all. FUCK GOALS! Goals are things like... play in the NFL, or get a  date with that girl, or pass all my classes. Goals are good, but the problem with goals is that they rely on other people to make them happen. Me passing all my classes depends on teachers giving me good grades, much like getting to the NFL requires coaches and people to draft and want me. The point here is to make your "goals" more personal. Instead of working to be in the NFL, work to, get bigger.Work to life 200 lbs, or run faster, and when you achieve that, its yours. There is no relying on other people to make your goals happen. Ask out that girl, and celebrate, because YOU asked her out. If she says yes, boom! If she says no, she didn't deserve you anyway, and move on. I think this is a very good way to view your life and the goals you set for yourself, and I will begin doing so in my life, thanks to that awesome advice!

"A Morse Code Clicking Out SOS"

It has been a while since my last post, and to be honest, a lot has happened. I think its always a good idea to start a story at... the beginning, so I will do so. : P The first big thing to happen to me was a real bummer. About a month ago, I got in a car accident. I was turning at an intersection, and someone ran a red light, going about 40 and T-boned me. Fortunately, they hit my passenger side, and fortunately, I drive almost always with my window down, so instead of my head smashing into the window of my car, my body flew out my window, and then my seat belt dragged me back into the car, totally unharmed. My car was however completely unable to drive, and totaled. I had to get it towed, and within a few days the insurance found the accident the other drivers fault and I was compensated with money! YAY! Seriously though I don't have a car and that fucking sucks. I have been trying to find a car to buy buy have high standards for my money and very little off time to look for one so I am still car-less. I am seriously missing my independence right now. : (

So, after all that, I figured my life would turn for the better. Apparently not. I then proceeded to lose my debit card. Sucked, but no big deal. Canceled it, got a new one. Go me! Right? WRONG! Next thing I know, I'm unable to sleep due to the immense pain in my left eye. I stay up all night calling optometrists, trying to find anyone who will take me in the morning or right then. I find one eventually, and wait up all night to go in. The doctor takes a look at me, gives me some tests and tells me that I have both an infection in my eye, due to my contacts (rare but apparently just happens sometimes) and ALSO that I have a small ulcer in my eye and that its good I came in or I could have gone blind. WOOT! So... my eye is swollen shut and in pain for the next week or so, as I take medicated eye drops, and now the ulcer is healed and the infection is gone. I do still have a scar on my eye that blurs my shitty vision even more, so I am on ore drops and unable to wear contacts for the next 2 weeks. I just hope it gets smaller and I can see back to normal after that.

About 4 days ago I started getting sick, and throwing up and just genuinely feeling like shit. I have just been trucking through that on my own, but I think I am on the up and up from that one right now too. I would like to take this opportunity to say to the universe, I am sorry if I ever offended you, and please leave me alone. :P That being said, I have heard from several friends that "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". With this I truly agree. It is in my times of hardship and strife (I just want all of you to know I just accidentally typed "hardshit and strife" and that should be a word) that I tend to find greater meaning and strength in my life. It is my firm belief that when "bad" things happen to me, it is God giving me an opportunity to grow, or to learn something from it. For this reason, I also welcome this seemingly horrible month, and have learned a great deal of things about myself. :) I encourage all for you, my friends who read this, to look at your hardships the same way. If something in your life sucks, it is God either challenging you to learn and improve, or He is only doing this to help you in some way in the future. Maybe I will meat my wife to be because of this car accident? I have NO IDEA, and will continue to trust that this shitty month is all a part of His plan for me, and welcome it with open arms. Thanks for listening (or reading) to me preach at you, and I hope this can somehow inspire you too look at life the way I try to. Miss you all and come visit meeee! : )

Somebody Make a Move

Whats up friends! And random creepers from the internet. lol It has been a long time since I have posted anything so, I figured it was about time.

This is mostly to let everyone back home know whats going on with my life. I have just started my second year as the curious theater ATD with my new TD Mark. Cool dude, and I am really excited to learn a lot of stuff from him in the next year. Its a great blessing to get to ATD for 3 different TD's in 3 years so I can't wait to see another way to get the job done. Urm... lets see, still living with awesome housemates but I may be looking at getting my own room soon (sorry Nick, I know your sad about that). I went home to visit family and friends in Seattle and Spokane a few weeks ago, and I found that with my month off, I had NO IDEA what to do with myself. I really enjoyed seeing all my Spokompton friends, and if I didnt see you, then hopefully next time I visit we can hang out. I am very glad to be back at work, doing what I love. I did go to a sort of meet and greet with the TD of the Intiman theatre in Seattle while I was there, so there is a possibility that I will be going back there sometime after this is over, but really, I will go wherever I find work. I also just cut off all my hair, I grew it out to my shoulders since October. other than that life is pretty much the same. A few good things have happened, and a few bad that I cant tlak about online, but talk to me in person and I can clue you in :)

As per usual, I will go off for a bit on something troubling me. I have noticed in my life for the past 4 or 5 months that many people around me have trouble taking actions to get what they want. A lot of people seem content to sit around and wait for good things to happen to them, or for what they want to just magically happen. Okay, lets be real people... FUCK THAT. What a giant waste of your life! I know this post is more about other people than me, but seriously, why does anyone think that's a good idea? You want to get a new job, go apply somewhere, you want to quit smoking, fucking stop today! Don't like your body, do something about it, go to the gym. I don't know if I am just more aggressive than most people, but to me it seems to make the most sense to just live your life in pursuit of what you want. that's it for me, short one today: P

I could stand up if you got off me...

So, I think I will start off by saying that life in Denver is still pretty good. It has its rough patches, but  not too bad. The topid of this blog is more for me than for you so read on if you want, but don't feel obligated. I think I just need a way to get these thoughts in my head out in the open after all the crap that has happened to me with my "friends" this week.

Over the past few weeks, a few moments stand out in my head. A "friend" told me to go have a nice life, over one of the stupidist arguments I have ever heard... Another told me that I dont bring anything to their friendship, and then stopped talking to me, and yet a third just told me that I wasn't worth the time or energy it took to keep our friendship going. While seperately these events seem like just random bad friends who I now dont have to worry about, together they pose an interesting question in my head. Is it me? Am I the problem? What is it that I do wrong that is making all of my friends not want to be my friends? And how many more people feel this way about me and have simply said nothing?

Before I can answer these questions, my mnd goes on a trail of ther thoughts, one of which I will elaborate on. I am a nonconfrontational person. I hate conflict.In rare cases, when something is extremely important to me, I will confornt someone or stand up for myself or someone else, but usually I just concede and let people sort of ... walk all over me in the process. I know it sounds pretty bad, but its really not. I just would rather sped my energy on more important things in my life than fighting over things I care little about. Here is where the dots connect. In EVERY relationship I have had, when I get to the point where I actually care about something enough to stand up for my opinion, I get shot down. And not in some weird logical sort of way... but with the following argument.

"well if you believe (or think, or say, or want) that, then maybe we shouldnt date anymore"

WTF people! That is so not fair! Every time I stand up for what I wat or what I believe or care about, people make me choose between the relationship, and my own beliefs... unfortunately, I seem to always make the mistake of conceding my opinion, and keeping the relationship... further reinforcing my conciousness's belief that conflict is bad because I will never win. As my life has progressed, I have become less and less willing to have these moments where I stand up for myself because when I do I am forced to concede or give up my relationship.

After moving to Denver, I have tried to take a new stance of standing up for myself... but alass it has only furthered my current view of myself. Every time I have tried to stand up to a friend for myself or something I believe in, they have decided to no longer be my friend. It would seem that I cannot find anyone who is simply okay with either being wrong once and a while, or with agreeing to disagree. This has caused me to ponder the following question: is it worth me standing up for myself if every time I do I lose a friend or loved one?I dont even know the answer to this question myself yet. The idealist in me says, yes, I should always stand up for myself, but the realist in me simply retorts that if that were to be true, then I would have no friends because every time I have done so, I have lost someone.

Anyway, I don't need a flood of messages telling me that your a true friend, or anything like that. I really dont. I just wish I could feel like I didnt have to let people walk over me to be accepted and appreciated. Just reding that aloud to myself sounds terrible but it's kind of true. If you for some reason feel the need to tell me that this isnt true with you, dont message me. Just show me that I am wrong next time we talk.

Anyway, what a depressing blog. Denver is good. I am good. No girlfriend yet. Still paying off loans with all of my money. Still working my ass of and loving every minute of it. Thanks for readin this depressing stream of conciousness and despite its subject matter, I am fairly happy here :)

Long Time, No See

Hello friends and random Facebook friends! It has been a very long time since I have posted anything, so part of this is to share some of my past few weeks with you all, and the other is to elaborate on an issue I have been fighting in myself for quite sometime.

Curious Theatre over here in Denver is going pretty well. I finished up my last show Maple and Vine last weekend, and it was an interesting run. I have never been so acutely aware of how much a crew getting along is important in theatre. No one person was at fault with our problems backstage, just many people misunderstanding each other and holding grudges. Outside of theatre, I started this weird thing called "online dating" .... I know... I know... its weird. I just don't ever really have time to meet people outside of work and so I needed some method of getting in touch with people. I have been on this thing for like 2 weeks now, gone on 1 date so far, and messaged a few girls. Most people are incredibly rude as they hide behind the mask that is their computer. Also, apparently every woman is Denver is "fun loving, loves hiking and being outdoors, and has amazing eyes" -_- Most profiles are exactly the same. Its actually been kind of lame so far. The one date I went on went pretty well. Her name is Dani and we got sushi. It was of course awkward at first, but we got rolling eventually and had a good time. Then she went into finals and I started tech so.... hope to see her again soon.

There was a "winter storm" here about a week ago. I am from Seattle so let me just say IT WAS A BLIZZARD! lol It started the same day that strike for my last show and load in for my current show started so I got picked up by my boss, and we kind of got snowed into work. We worked long a long day and I spent the night in the theatre. WOOT! It snowed for like 2 days, then was sunny, and now the snow is almost all gone. So weird. We had 4 days to load in the current show, and do light hang and focus and paint the entire floor and set, so I have been working like a mad dog the past few days. Tech was tonight so from here it should be a little easier. Fingers are crossed!

About the same time that strike started I developed a sinus infection. I haven't had time to go to the doctor yet so I am just trying to take care of myself right now. Some days are worse than others. I actually bought a neti pot today cause I heard it would help. So far I still feel the same so... ya. Hopefully more than 4 hours of sleep a night and some rest will help now.

So... big news! I got offered an extension on my internship here for another year! My current boss is retiring and they want someone who knows the theatre to stick around and help the new guy figure things out here and how we do them. As a result I will be here for awhile longer now. I may try to work some summer job in Spokane over the summer if I can find one, so I hope to see all my friends again before my internship resumes.


Lent is cool. I tend to look at it as a chance for me to give up something that I don't like about myself or I think I want to change. I gave up video games for lent this year, as I think I spend too much time playing them and sometimes they make me an ass hole so I wanted to stop. I do feel much happier so far and will try to maintain this for the rest of lent. I think after lent I will still play them again, but I would like to cut back on time spent playing them a lot.


That about sums up my life in Denver right now. Now I suppose I will rant. I have been "pursuing" the girl of my dreams for some time now. I have thought I found her 3 times, and been disappointed each time. I am not upset or impatient, but I have been trying really hard to get a girlfriend since I have been in Denver. Part of it I think is to fill the loneliness I feel from my last big break up... leaving all of my friends in Spokane (shout out, love ya all). Each time I have found someone I like and am interested in something weird of fucked up happens and it just cant work out. I have been ignoring this for a while but I have decided to take the hint. I am pretty confident that I am supposed to be single right now, and so I am going to take a more passive role in relationship finding right now and just try to concentrate on my life and work. This is hard for me but I am going to try.

Thanks for reading this friends, and if you miss me, text me :P Love to talk to all of you

The Events that Shape Your Life

Whats up homies! The topic of this post seems to me to be pretty self explanatory. Over the past few weeks, I have had the pleasure of having a few separate events in my life that have been so wonderful and fun that they inspired me to write this. This is sort of a stream of conscious thing for me so I am not quite sure how it will end, but I hope you enjoy coming with me on the ride to see. Expect a brief retelling of these two events.

The two events that inspired my blog post are very different. Two weeks ago, a man whom I shall call Zach and nothing more came to visit my housemates. They hung out a bunch and recalled old college adventures, drunk stories, and great times. Every story they had was so fun just to listen to, I could not help but want to be a part of a story like that. The day before he left, Zach and my housemates asked if I would go out with them and if I would agree to let myself go. I of course thought this was the perfect way to make that adventure of my own so I agreed. That night was a blast. I do not wish to turn this post into a story about one or two nights, so I will simply say that we all got drunk, we all threw up, two of us cot court summons, one of us got kissed by a random attractive girl, one of us got a phone number, and one of us fell asleep on the kitchen counter when we got home. As for who did what, you will have to ask me or one of them if you really want to know. What I will tell you is waking up the next morning was terrible, and at the same time, so invigorating. Not only because the night was fun, but because it was so simple. 4 guys went out with no goals of showing off or getting girls, just the goal of having a blast. I feel closer to all of those men now, and can safely say it was one of the best nights I have had since leaving Spokane.

Speaking of Spokane, when I came here 4 months ago, I not only left a safe and comfortable environment  but I also left many of my dearest friends and mentors. While it is true that I am making new friends here, the best friends that I made in college will never be replaced. It so happens that the wedding of one of them was this weekend, and it was only about 45 min from me, so I made certain that I would be there. Not only was one of my best friends getting married, but our whole posy of friends from Spokane was pretty much coming up to celebrate! For the sake of time, I will use their first names so I don't have to just keep saying he and she for the rest of this story. Ryan and Emily were getting married (about time) and Jerod and Amanda and Tobin and Rachel were all coming down to see the wedding! This group of people makes up a good percentage of my friend group from home as well as the majority of my spiritual core. Hells to the YEAH!

At the bachelor party, I met a few other awesome guys whom i knew but not quite so well as the previous 6 people. Grant, Stephen, and Christo were all there too and the party was so epic. Once again, I wont tell you too many details, just some of the best parts.... All of us got smashed.... and most of us threw up. A lot of rock band and a lot of drinking games were played, and one of us may have received a concussion. The day of the bachelor party came and went, and eventually it was the day of the wedding. It was so perfect. There is nothing quite like watching two of your good friends get married and knowing in your heart that both of them are perfect for each other. I'm not a super sappy person, but I may have cried. shhh! Don't tell  anyone. Anyway  the wedding was amazing, and the reception... well.... lets just say that in a small room, that many good friends, loud music, and free wine goes a long way. There was much rejoicing,  much dancing, and much fun had by all. Nothing I can write down here can adequately describe my feelings of joy towards Ryan and Emily, and seeing them so happy and carefree together. The best part of the night for me was most definitely all of the bridal party and close young friends of the bride and groom dancing together to Gangnam Style. As the night went on, my tie went from around my neck to on my head, and my collar went from straight and crisp to wrinkled and popped. The mood became less and less formal and we had more and more fun. When the night was over, and I began my drive home, all I was left with was a feeling of warmth and love for all of the great friends that I had been with and the new ones I had made. The only slightly negative feeling I had was sadness at its ending. I still kinda wish that night was still going.

My friends from Spokane are all home now, and I miss them a lot. That's right guys. I miss you. I am very thankful however for the time that I was given with them this weekend and cant wait to see them again because no matter what happens between now and then I know we will still be close and still have a good time with each other. I think I have said before that family is the most important thing in the world, and I still agree with that. To me though, real friends are simply unrelated family. I consider my best friends to be part of my family and for this reason I can say that the past few weeks have reinforced my belief that family (and true friends) are the most important part of my life.

To conclude... friends of Reid... YOUR AWESOME and I LOVE YOU! peace homies :P

How Low Can You Go: The Limbo

Since my move to Denver, there has been a very constant question at the back of my mind. I have managed to answer this question many different ways in the past few months. Some days I feel so certain of the answer, and others, I it seems to evade me like the warm touch of the sun on a cold winters evening. I am well aware that God wanted me to move to Denver, but the question of whether I will be a permanent citizen of Denver bugs me nonetheless.I seem to be stuck in a Residential Limbo of sorts. I do believe that I am here, right now, for a reason, and that it is where I am supposed to be out off all the places in the world. This in itself is very reassuring, but I still wonder frequently if my stay here will last for another couple months, years, or some unknown time for reasons that I cannot even fathom. Not knowing the answer would be that bad if EVERYONE didn't seem to want to know the answer. Family, friends, the federal and state governments, the church, Whitworth University, and all the boxes of stuff still sitting in my room all deserve to know the answer, but how to I answer such a question. I myself cannot even make up my mind on what I want to happen in the future. I managed to Move to Denver, buy a car, and get Denver plates, sign a lease on a house, and get a Job.... but at the same time I kept my Washington Drivers license, got a more expensive gym membership for the soul purpose of using it at gyms in more than one state, and keep telling my friends and family "I will see you soon!" when I talk to them. There is definitely a part of me that wishes to return to Washington and resume my safe and secure life there with all my friends in a comfortable and familiar surrounding. I do however feel like doing this right now would be cheating Life of the chance to teach me many great and needed things. I do know that at some point, when I have the money and the time away from work, I will come and visit all of the awesome people I am missing right now, both friends and family, but I have to be honest with myself in saying that I really don't know when that is going to be. I have to keep my faith in God and remember that he brought me to Denver for a reason, and when that is finished or He needs me somewhere else, then I will feel his a hand on my back pushing me onward. Until then, I have decided to answer my question with the following statement. I am a citizen of Denver Colorado and I have no idea when I will be leaving. Th-th-th-thats all folks!

The show must go on!

I have been in Denver for just over 3 months now and I just opened my second show at Curious Theatre. This show, unlike the last one, is kinda depressing and is just a sad play overall. I still think its a good one, but just not the happy type. I had to pull a lot of long hours to get this show open, as my boss was in Colorado Springs for a few days moving our last show, so I had to run load in myself for this one. Load in went well, but once we got into tech our director and some designers made life miserable for me, in the sense that they were never happy with anything we did and I had to redo a lot of stuff. Guy and I pulled many 14-18 hour days over the course of the past 2 weeks to get this show running, and I am obviously a bit exhausted mentally and physically from that experience. I am however running board op for this show for the next 4 or 5 weeks so I will be working the show at nights and in the day I will be building the set for the next show, Maple and Vine. While i still love what I do, wow, its tiring! I can most certainly say to anyone who is interested in doing tech work for theatre that if you don't absolutely love it and want to do it forever no matter what the cost... don't do it! I can safely say that this past 2 weeks has cemented the fact that I do absolutely love tech theatre, and that, is awesome.

My life has many positive and negative aspects right now. I would love to put this all in perspective for you guys. Some ups and downs of my stay here so far....
UPS:
I am doing theatre, and this theatre is awesome
I am living with Nick Kemner and Josh Mckee
I own a car
My boss the hella awesome
I am doing God's work and feel Him with me all the time (religious vocation ftw)
My new computer kicks ass
I get to cook my own food (which i love to do)
Denver is a super cool city
I have a bar I can call "mine"

DOWNS:
I miss a lot of friends from Spokane and from home (you know who you are homies!)
I miss my family.. a lot
I work so much I don't get much chance to get out and do other stuff (hence the next point)
I have yet to meet a single woman (as in, woman without a man already)  that I like
My time here is flying bye and I dont want it to end
I am constantly afraid that my car will stop working
College debt comes in next month... yikes!
I miss my bible study group
My roommates are playing halo 4... and I dont have time to get it yet
I have a bar I can call "mine"

Thats just a few. Anyway, life keeps trucking along for me, and I hope it is treating you all well.All my friends and family in other places...  I miss you all, and send all my love and prayers.

Contentment

I know most of you have no interest in reading about my religious views or perspectives on my life, so just a heads up, you may tune out for this post if you don't want to hear about any of that. So... anyway, its been about 2 and a half months since I arrived in Denver and things are going really good. I believe in an earlier post I recalled how good it felt to feel as though God was calling me to move to Denver in the first place, and I can safely say that having been here for 2 months, in the place I am supposed to be, has only made that feeling better and stronger. Not only do I feel like I was supposed to move here, but now I can actually see some of the reasons why in my life, day by day, and that is truly amazing.

Before I left, I was a part of a small group, and was only really a part of it for about 3 months. This small group gave me a much needed lift to my faith, and filled me up with hope, love, and passion for my own God and the beliefs I hold about him. I realize now that without this group of special people, I would not be here today in the wonderful position that I am in. Thank you guys! In one of these sections, we talked about the meaning on contentment, and found that most people knew how to describe what is not contentment, but very few knew how to define it with positive words. Some people said that contentment is the lack of pain, the lack of sorrow, the absence of guilt or grief, and even just something as simple as not being worried about anything. I really wasn't sure about my own definition of contentment until about a day ore two ago. None of the above statements are true for me. I am in fact full of every one of those conditions which are supposed to NOT bring contentment, but I am still in such a state. How is this so? I have come up with my own personal definition that works for me quite well. Contentment for me, appears to be knowing that I am a part of Gods plan and and living my life in accordance with his plan for me. I can say with certainty that I have never before felt this certain that I am where I am supposed to be, and that I am doing what I am supposed to while I am here. My faith and beliefs are constantly being tested, and validated by God, and I can feel his joy in my progress. Even when I fall, I can see Him right next to me picking me up and moving me forward. I have never know a feeling of Joy and contentment such as this before and life is truly a blessing. I pray that all of you will be able to find your contentment weather it is through the definition I have given it, or some other of your own choosing.

So this is Life Huh?

Hey ya'll! Its been a while since my last post, and rightly so. I have been very busy getting The Elaborate Entrance of Chad Deity up and running. The show opened last weekend, and was rated by a popular theatre critique as the number one show to see in Denver this season. WOOT! As expected, I am trying to put my heart and soul into this show, and am spending a lot of time working and in the theatre. Today was the first day of school for all of my good friends back at the whit, and I t has got me thinking about all of the things that I really took for granted about being in school. I may never have a first day of school again. No classes and school events to meet new people. No homework (which I am actually happy about), and no more easy world educational theatre. While I love where I am right now, I am struggling to meet people outside of theatre because I am so busy all the time. Being single is fine right now, and having only a few friends in Denver is fine too, but thinking about the future, I am not quite sure how or when I am going to get the chance to make any progress in any of those areas. All you people in school, dont take it for granted cause the social aspect of education is something that will not last forever. Anyway. God is good, life is great, and I miss you all. Peace!

Washington Shmashington

SO, I have been in Denver for all of... 15 days. I just moved in with my awesome housemates Nick, Brad, and Josh, and am borrowing Nicks car to get to work until I get mine all set up hopefully this weekend or the next.Work has been going well, nothing unusual. We build things, problems arise, we fix them, and then the director and designers come in and we start that lovely cycle all over again. Light hang day one is tomorrow, and it will be my first true day in the grid, as I will be up in the air all day, and have to do more than squeeze the I beam with my legs and scream that I am okay! The next 2 days are for hang and then the third is for focus. Hoping to get my bearings in those days up on the grid. Really digging my boss, Guy. Teaching me a lot and fun to work with. I hang out with Ryan as much as I can and I have really been enjoying seeing him on a regular basis. On a sad note, I miss seeing all my friends from Spokane and family from Redmond. Especially Preston, Aaron, Jerod, Amanda, Tobin, and Rachel... and my Mom and Dad and Bother a lot too. If your upset I didn't mention you, I probably meant too, I just don't wanna list names forever and bore you all (Kyle, Dumble House, Linnea, and the entire Jarvis family). I am having a blast over here, and really feel like this is where I am supposed to be right now which is a great feeling. I am trying to do as much as I can while I am here because I don't know how long that will be, so I am pretty busy. When this next shows tech starts life is going to get crazy though! Anyway, that's my brief update from Denver, ttyl!

A Change of Location is In Order

Hey friends! So... this is my blog. I am going to try to fill it with exciting stories and news from my move to Denver. For any of you who don't know this, I recently accepted a paid internship in Denver Colorado, and moved here in a weeks time. Today was my second official day of work, and as per usual, everything in my life keeps falling into place. About 2 weeks ago I got a call from the Curious Theatre Company to ask me for a phone interview. We set it up, it went well... no big deal. Friday of that week, I got a call from them again, saying that I received the position, and that I had a day to decide weather I wanted to accept it or not. I would have to start work on August first (which at the time was about 9 days away) and so I was very stressed. I decided to take the position, and the journey began. I bought my plane ticket, and started looking for housing. Finding none, my generous boss offered me his place until I could find something else. I accepted once again, and began concentrating on packing. The day before I left for Denver, I got a phone call from my dear friend Nick Kemner, telling me that he was getting a new house in downtown Denver and was looking for a roommate. PERFECT! I accepted yet a third amazing offer and looked at the house yesterday. Its awesome! Now only one issue remains. I dont have any method of transportation in Denver. Wait, whats that, my awesome boss just bought a new car and informed me that he may be willing to sell me his old one?! BOOM! Accepted. I am in the process of working out some details with him, but hope to have a car by the end of next week. So... the trend of my life right now seems to be that God is taking care of everything. This seems to be one of those opportunities that everything is just falling into place, and it feels great. I have only worked for 2 days, but I am loving working with Guy (my boss) and learning as much as I can. I get to use so many cool new tools! WOOT!

There also happen to be a lot of people I know in Denver. I have hung out with Ryan already... AWESOME! Emily is coming down in like 2 days which is equally awesome! I hung out with Nick and Meghan and Amanda yesterday night and we went to a bar... and had some ... interesting experiences to say the least. I have a terrible memory, so If any of you guys want are in Denver or close to it, let me know so I can come and see youuuuu.

To conclude this entry, Denver is awesome and I really feel like I am supposed to be here right now. I miss all of you back home, and wish you all the best.

I cannot be shaken

This post has much of the same content as my last one. The concept of death still seems to haunt me more than everyone else around me. I am so terrified of the idea of death. I guess the thing that scars me most is when I die, what will my life have accomplished? This question has been plaguing me for a while now and I would like to walk through my answer for a minute. If there is a God, which it is my firm belief that there is, then the purpose of life is to live and serve Him. If there is not a God, then there is no real purpose to life,  therefor nothing matters. If this is the case, then it only makes sense that I live my life in a kind and thoughtful manner, so as to increase the enjoyment of life of those around me. Either way my response is the same, the difference lies in my reasons. It scares me a great deal to consider death, and all the questions that accompanies it. I only wish to know if I am alone in my fear of death, or at least to the degree to which I fear death. It is almost always pn my mind and causes me much stress. The time when I feel the most at peace is in bible study or church. When I am close to God I feel more at ease. I think this may be His way of helping me to want to get closer to Him and I feel as though he has been nudging me in that direction for a long time now. I hope to act on this and find new ways to grow in my relationship with God, but please keep me in your prayers and I hope to find some sort of peace soon.

What is the point?

It seems like everyone and everything is crumbling around me. So many of my friends and people I went to school with have died in the past few years, and the idea of death is really beginning to sink in. I always try to remind myself that I am going to die someday no matter what I do in this life and its very hard to wrap my head around. I sat awake for hours the other night because I couldn't stop thinking about how I am not the only person who thinks, and there have been millions before me and will be millions after me. How am I important at all? What does it matter what I do? I will not go down in any history books, I will not make any huge innovations to change the world. I am just another guy, searching for nothing. I feel incredibly alone and helpless. At the same time, there is some hope. While many people scoff at religion, it at least gives my life some focus. Following God, loving everyone, and living to serve him at least seems like a good use of my time. If I cant do anything useful in my life, the least I can do is love others and help them to do the really important things. When I die, I doubt I will be remembered, I am just another one in millions of millions of people. Even if I am, what good does being remembered do? When the people who remember me die, what happens then? Will I be flying in the clouds with my friends and relatives having a blast when i die? Will everything just go black and then, nothing? The thing that scares me more than death is the idea that nothing happens after death. There needs to be something after. Someplace where I matter.

The Final Countdown

Well, all is as I expected it would be this break. Christmas has been great, and I have enjoyed spending time with my family but I still am missing way more than I am enjoying. I find myself thinking about others all day and how much I would rather be spending time with them, even it it was doing homework. The simple fact is, I was hoping to get away from some of the drama of school by coming home and relaxing over break, but that was not to be as my own family drama far outweighs that of the school. I just feel trapped by my life right now, and all the problems that are popping up in it are driving me up a wall. I long for the good old days of no worries except for what game I was going to play at recess. One more semester to go and I am out of here for good. One semester of fun and homework and friends and then I am in the real world. The world of a job, and house payments, and getting a car, and feeding myself. The world of responsibility is something that I don't quite feel ready for yet. I have also come to the realization that this will be my last trip home in God only knows how long. After this I have a few breaks, but all of them I am planning on spending elsewhere. After graduation I plan on going wherever I can find work, so this may be my last chance to be home with my family in a long time. Wouldn't it be great if that last time was full of great memories and no family drama?

I feel as though I must again say, that I am homesick here at home. I long to be at my real home, where the people I love are. I miss one person a lot more than everyone else, and every day I am without her makes my heart hurt a little more. I cannot wait until I get to see her again and think about it all the time. I just hope she knows how important she is to me and how much I love her.

Always waiting for something better

As I finished my last day in Spokane before break, I have begun thinking about what exactly it is that I am going home to. Yes, my family is home... that's pretty much it for me. I love my family so much, each and every one of them. I feel as though there should be something else waiting for me at home. Leaving school is a sad day for me, as I leave my job, my friends, the people I love and care about, my comfort, and even my independence. Something about going home and being treated like a little kid just doesn't sound appealing to me. I enjoy the freedom of being my own adult person at school, and I don't want to leave that for break.  I am afraid that this break will be yet another one of sitting at my computer typing about what I wish I was doing, as I only really have 1 or 2 friends back home and I can't expect to hang out with them all the time. Its an interesting thing how school works.... I spend all year looking forward to breaks, and all breaks looking forward to going back. It would seem that I am never satisfied. I am going to make sure I enjoy my last semester at University, but I am really scared about what will come after. Where will I get a job? Will I get a Job? Where will I live? With whom? How the hell am I going to pay off all my debt? Will I stay in contact with the great people I met here, and will they do the same? So many questions to answer.  I suppose I am just scared of the changes that graduating will bring. All I can say is that I hope my friends and family will be there with me every step of the way, because in the end, they are all I have got.

Its Funny What A Little Time Can Do...

It has been a long time since I have been home, and it seems like just yesterday that I was bored out of my mind there and ready to run off to Spokane and be free! The truth is, it has really been about 5 months, and I am starting to miss things. Yes, I am always bored when I am home, but something about being bored and being able to relax (or maybe its just the lack of stress) just sounds really good right about now. I will be going home for Thanksgiving Break this year, and am really looking forward to it. I am excited to see and spend time with my family and my little kitties. We have so many traditions to take part in, like hanging up Christmas lights on Thanksgiving weekend with my Dad, making cookies and baked goods with my Mom, or fooling around with my Brother. Just the thought of a home cooked meal is driving me crazy right now. Along with the joy of seeing my family again, comes the joy of showing my home to someone else I care about greatly. My amazing girlfriend (that's putting it lightly) is coming home with me, and I am stoked to show her my home town, and the place where I grew up and became the man I am today. I will be carpooling over with a friend, and am looking forward to spending some time with them on the car ride over and back. 

Part of the reason why I am looking forward to this break so much is because of how stressful this year has been already. I am taking some of my most intense classes this semester, and on top of that I am in our schools Improv Team and had my senior project to do (which I finished today). I guess at this point my body just wants a chance to not stress out, be home, live in the familiar, and SLEEEEP. I have not slept in in a long time, and I think it is starting to show. 

Everything is A Okay!

So, i know it has been a long time since I have blogged.... I have been very busy with school, theatre, work, friends, and the most amazing girl I have ever met. To make this as brief as possible, I am doing fantastic. Anything that could possibly bug me is far out-shadowed by the good times I am having with the people I love. Senior year so far... Best Year Ever! 

The greatest thing You'll ever learn....

One of my biggest fears in the world is the fear of not being loved by the people I care about the most. Over the past few weeks, I this fear has been pretty much wiped off my mind because of some very amazing people. Something about knowing that someone else care about you... likes you just the way you are.... and wants to spend their time with you just makes my life feel so much better. I am currently on an emotional high, and I am planning on staying here for a long time. I can be a very loving person, and the people that I love I would do ANYTHING for. Absolutely anything. Usually this makes me feel uneasy and vulnerable, but now it feels warranted. I have been praying a lot lately about where my life is supposed to go, what I want, and what is meant for me. It would seem that all of them point in the same direction, and my life has aligned and everything feels right. It is a great feeling. To my best friends, family, and my special someone.... I love you! Thank you for being in my life, and I appreciate you for who you are. 

"The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn, is Just to Love and Be Loved in Return" 

What is it about her

I have recently been reminded of the senior project I worked on a few years ago. It is one of the best experiences in my technical career thus far, and a certain song comes to mind. This song somehow touches me very deeply, and here are some of the lyrics. The song is called What is it about her.


This woman makes me cry
This woman makes me burn
This woman's eye can cut me to the core
This woman builds me up
This woman tears me down
This woman speaks and I can break apart
Could I live without her
And let her go?
How loud must I scream
No!